Over Thinking.

I don't know if this is my problem, but it sure seems like it isn't helping.

I over think.  I over think everything.  It is in my nature.  I always have to ask why and figure out the answers to questions that may not have answers.  Do you know why?  It's quite interesting, really.  It goes beyond me being overly curious and wanting to learn.

It all comes down to protecting myself and being scared of the unknown.  If I know the answers, then I can avoid problems ahead of time, or be more prepared for when something unfavorable does happen.  And every now and then, someone comes along who kicks my intellectual ass and tells me to shut the hell up and just let it be.

Sounds harsh, right? Maybe so, but it is true.  

It's hard to take a step back and realize this is why some of my potential relationships didn't work out.  Impatient, rushing, overly ambitious, no matter what you call it, it's a problem I have.  It took two guys I thoroughly enjoyed for me to realize this, and unfortunately it was at the cost of something great.  I guess everyone comes into your life for a reason, and they had to be the ones I learned this from.  It freaking sucks.  The idea of "letting it be" is uncomfortable for me...but it's something I'm going to have to learn to accept quickly.  I am too smart to be ruining relationships because I lack the basic principles of taking things slowly.  I know why I am like this, but I'm not going to go into it.  What's important is it's a problem of mine and it needs to change, now. 

I've said that I'm not in a rush to be a in a relationship, and part of me believed that for a while, but it's not completely true.  Sure, I could be in a relationship with someone at any given time, but I would not enjoy it.  I am in a rush to find someone, and I shouldn't be.  I shouldn't be.  I have found people, and I have also found myself chasing them away.

Here's to taking things slowly...

Exposed.

So this is my version of going naked on the internet.  I am completely exposing myself and my feelings in this blog.  I'm sure those who are reading this will do either one of three things: 
1) Tell me something comforting
2) Relate to what I'm saying
3) Ignore it and think I need to talk to my therapist again
I recommend you do not do the first item...Kind words will not help me, unfortunately.

My mind has been interesting lately.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  It's hard to put it into words.  Indifferent?  Bored?  Undecided?  Depressed?  Lonely?  Calm?  Uncaring?  Melancholy?  Numb?  Purposeless?  Confused?  Tired?  I think it may be a little bit of all those things.

I feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm not working towards anything or going anywhere.  I've never felt this way before.  It's possible for me to find temporary joy in people and things, but when I get alone with myself I feel empty.  It doesn't make sense to me, so I doubt it makes sense to you, but that's what I'm experiencing. 

I'm starting to realize I want to share my life with someone.  There is an empty space within me that is only filled when I am with someone I find special.  Unfortunately, it seems that the people I am most interested in are the most difficult to build a relationship with it.  Not because of their character, but because of time.  And that, out of everything else, makes me feel like I am reaching for something I will never have.  I feel like I should stop trying.  I commit myself so heavily to people I find special it gives me a terrible feeling when the effort is not reciprocated enough to make it worth while.  I don't expect anyone to give the same amount as I do, but I do expect to receive enough to feel confident in my efforts of pursuing something more serious.  I'm all about reciprocity, and yet it seems that is the biggest thing lacking in my life and in my relationships.  People always ask why I like animals so much.  Want to know the real reason?  Because if I take care of and love animals, they will always return the favor in one way or another.

It takes two to tango, and it seems I'm the only one dancing with purpose.  I am looking...more like searching, for someone that can see me for who I am.  Someone that can embrace similarities and differences.  Someone that is willing to sacrifice and compromise when something has to give.  Someone that will not only tolerate, but enjoy my quirks.  Someone that will be my companion.  Someone that will find pleasure in seeing me do what I love.  Someone that will support my endeavors and dreams.  Someone that cherishes my intelligence and has a desire to grow with me.  Someone that will comfort me during difficult times, and laugh with me during happy times.  Someone that has a truck and is willing to learn how to ride a horse!

Totally kidding about that last one, I felt I had to break the serious talk for a moment.  My horse friends will understand, haha!  Anyway, this is a serious blog!

I want to feel loved.  I want to feel passion.  I want to feel unique.  I want to feel important.  I want to feel thought of.  I want to feel missed.  And I want to feel these things from a person I feel the same for.  I know many people feel many things for me, but it is different coming from a person you desire to be with.  I know you can understand what I am trying to say.

This does not go to say that I am not satisfied with my life, because I am, very much so.  I love my life and what I am doing in this moment.  I am doing well on my own and I am learning and growing rapidly.  Something is missing though.  I can physically feel that something is out of place in my life, and it is scary.  It is disheartening.  It is empty.

Or, maybe I should just get another cat.

The Big 21

All I can say is WOW. 

WOW WOW WOW!

I am officially 21 years old.  I feel more...free, I guess you could say.  Now there isn't anything else I have to wait for, besides turning 25 so I can rent a vehicle without paying out the ass for it.  I guess that's something too look forward to in the future ;)

I've narrowed down my dating pool to a few choice men.  I am tired of going on dates with people I'm really not that interested in.  It's a waste of my time and theirs.  It's not that I am looking for a relationship, but I would like to find people that I could possibly develop one with, whenever that may be.  I'm in no rush.  The people I'm mentioning in this blog are the people who have made the best impressions on me as far as their character and ambition goes. 

So first things first, my birthday!  My day was pretty mellow until about 2:00 when my doorbell rang.  When I opened the door there was a lady holding a bouquet of flowers.  I asked if she had the right house (I've never been delivered flowers before) and if she was sure they were for me.  She assured me they were for me and left.  Turns out the brother of my riding lesson client's mom (mouthful, I know), delivered them to me.  I've met him once before, but I don't actually remember anything about it, ha.  I was busy.  Anyway, it was very thoughtful of him to do that and it sure did make me smile.  He is really interesting and we share a lot of the same interests and beliefs, all the way from meditation to higher education.  It's nice to be able to talk to someone that can relate to me so well, both an emotional and intellectual level. 

Chicken hearts...nummy...

When 4:00 came around, one of my friends came over (by friends I mean someone I'm interested in).  This guy moved from Arkansas about 6 months ago.  He is a train engineer for the Union Pacific Railroad and he does modeling on the side (although he could totally do it full time).  He definitely is an ambitious individual!  He knows where he wants to be and is willing to do whatever it takes to get there.  It's refreshing to see that in a guy my age (he's 22).  He is wonderful.  He is a southern gentleman who is courteous, genuine, and overall a very sweet guy.  I don't think I've known anyone as passionate about his work and his relationships. Unfortunately, his schedule is super hard to work around, but he was able to be with me on my birthday.  I thought it was special for him to choose to do that.  He took me and my family to a place called Tucano's Brazilian Grill.  This place was amazing.  It was all you could eat EVERYTHING.  Seriously, anything you'd be craving they had, and it was unlimited.  They would come to your table with different kinds of meat on spears and cut it right onto your plate.  It was very similar to Carnivore in South Africa, only Tucanos didn't serve Kudu and Zebra, haha.  My first legal alcoholic drink was purchased by this guy, and I am very okay with that!  He insisted on paying the bill for all of us and gave the waitress a generous tip.  He said it was my birthday present.  What a present indeed!  He was also very easy for my parents to talk to and we all laughed together numerous times.  Talk about a good first impression on the parents!  He had a meeting to go to for his work, so he had to leave, but it was a mutual agreement we were going to make him late, aha.  Totally worth it, for me anyway ;)

I spent the rest of my night with two of my friends, one of which I am casually dating.  What did we do?  Drink of course!  Well, besides the person who was the designated driver, who also happens to be of interest to me.  After being refused at the first bar we went to (The Green Pig) because my I.D. was expired (totally stupid), we bar hopped to three other bars.  Don't ask me the names of them because I wasn't paying attention.  I didn't want to get totally trashed because I had a lesson to give at 8 AM the following morning, but I did get pretty tipsy!  Of course, I didn't have to buy any of my drinks.  Thanks guys!  We had a blast. We got bits and pieces of the night on video, so expect to see something embarrassing coming out in the next little while.  So this guy of interest is an author, as well a dedicated member of the Army.  He is working on his forth book and is looking at getting it published (which I'm positive will happen).  We get along very well and I felt safe with his company while drinking.  I never worried about any "what" "ifs" or "buts" with him.  He is a quiet individual with deep thoughts, but he is very open if you ask him to be.  It's nice.  He drove me home and we had a fantastic conversation (I don't quite remember all of it...I was little drunk).  I do remember, however, that we learned a lot about each other.

Barrrrz.

Petco has been a blast.  The first day I started work I spent five hours in front of a computer watching incredibly boring and repetitive videos about things that don't really matter.  I wanted to quit by the time I was done with it.  But, the last two days were much, much better.  I got trained on the register and was asked to stay an extra three hours because I was managing it so well.  Today I did register, cleaned and prepared the animal enclosures, and restocked the avian and small animal sections in the store.  It certainly helps I am a fast learner and have done customer service for numerous years prior.  I love talking to people and sharing my knowledge with them.  I'm excited to get more experience.  About time I had a job!  It's kicking my ass though.  I'm so tired.  I can't seem to snap out of it.  Blah.

I have a new riding lesson client.  She is 28 years old and just moved to Eden a while ago.  She grew up with horses but is wanting to get back into it so she can feel more confident with buying her own.  So far it is a lot for her to take it, but all she needs is exposure, practice, and time to reflect.  Buck certainly is testing her, which is good.  He's been feeling much better lately, by the way.

Well, that's all for now I suppose.  I'm working on a blog that actually has a purpose, not just me ranting off about what's going on in my life, haha.  Keep an eye out for it.  I'll publish it sometime within the next week hopefully...I just need to find the energy to finish it.

All Good Things

I've been terrible at blogging, I know.  But I have a lot of new updates!  All good ones!

I sold my car (good ol' Eugine) and bought a 2012 luxury edition Nissan Versa hatchback.  It has 42,500 miles on it (mostly because of highway driving from the prior owners), but is in excellent condition and came with brand new tires!  With how little I drive, I'll be able to make up the mileage difference in a few years.  It is my new baby (named it Pearl).  I'm still getting used to cruse control, power windows, and keyless entry.  It rocks! I put $6,000 down on it, and I have a loan of $7,700.  I decided to have a 5 year payment plan at $130 a month.  I think it's a pretty good deal :) Now how am I going to pay for this vehicle?  That leads me into my next piece of good news...

Petco was finally able to hire me.  My application was lost in the system and it was quite the process to find it.  I'll be a part time sales associate, and I can decide to specialize in specific areas in the store.  If I choose, Petco will even pay for me to get my dog training certification.  I'll be making crap for pay, but it's a job that I know I'll enjoy and be good at.  I love sharing my passion and knowledge about animals to other people.  I know I'll have this job for at least the summer, but when school starts it's gonna have to be decided if I want to keep it or take the position as a professor's assistant at the university that pays more.

Many people have been asking about Buck.  I tried to keep it pretty quite until a final decision was made.  It was looking like we were going to have to put him down for multiple reasons.  The poor guy was falling apart and couldn't even be used in my riding lessons without being in tremendous pain.  He didn't even want to go on a walk with me.  I felt like I had to try a few things before making the final decision of euthanizing him.  Last Friday I had a horse chiropractor come out.  She determined both of Buck's SI joints in his spine were dislocated, as well as three places in his back, two in his neck, one in his right shoulder, and two joints in his left hind leg.  No wonder why he didn't want to move and he was losing muscle mass extremely rapidly!  His hips are now sitting even again and he is moving quite well.  The muscles in his hind end is also recovering quickly, too.  He is now on Previcox and a monthly muscle relaxer.  He also has a rehabilitation exercise routine.  First week is circling at a walk and trot of 15 minutes, second week is walk and trot for 15 minutes over ground poles for 15 minutes, third week I can ride him at a walk and trot for 15 minutes, and the forth and fifth week we will go over ground poles at a walk and trot for 15 minutes.  The chiropractor will come out on the sixth week and adjust him again if necessary.  If he checks out okay, I will begin teaching Buck how to jump again.  He needs to learn to use his hindquarters and jumping will make him engage them.  So there's that!  We are hoping that this treatment will continue to be successful, as it is proving to be already.  My concern is winter, however.  Last winter the cold really got to him.  I guess I will see what to do when that time comes.

I have been working with Tango regularly.  He's only been a shit a few times, but his attitude both on line and off line have been improving.  He isn't nearly as destructive or fussy.  I've mainly been focusing on ground work, but as of recent I've been riding him bareback (I tried riding with an English saddle first and I about died. I HATED IT).  Right now we are working on finding Tango's gaits.  This means consistent work on a certain gait and trot polls! He is responding well.  Last Monday, without knowing he's never done it before, I cantered on Tango bareback.  He didn't quite know what to think about it, and as a result he attempted to buck me off three times.  It wasn't out of aggression, but more so because of the sensation.  I stayed on and picked him right back up into a canter each time, and by the end he was loping around very nicely with his head down.  He's such a smart horse! I am glad I decided to start working with him finally.  I think it will help my mom be more successful with him as well.

I got a new tattoo! It's on the back of my neck and goes down my spine slightly.  It's so pretty.  I am really happy I got it.  Everyone seems to like it (even the parents).

The topic many people are wondering about is my love life. Ohhhhh, dear.  I decided to stop talking to Adam.  I couldn't get over my feelings for him and he certainly wasn't helping by coming onto me like he was.  It was all too confusing for me.  I think I made the best decision for myself.  I don't need to be confused like that.  I've been going on numerous dates with numerous people.  Some have gone very well, while others have made me want to curl up with my cats and stay alone forever, haha.  I'm not going to make a decision to be in a relationship quite yet.  My goal is to stay single at least until the end of May so I can enjoy being single and 21.  I don't want to get involved with anyone right now.  I want to make good decisions about who I choose to be with next.  That means if I am interested in someone I'll get to know them quite well before deciding to pursue a relationship with them or not.  I'm not in a hurry, and I think I'm doing pretty well on my own.  It's a change of pace, but I'm getting used to it and I feel good most of the time.  Some nights are lonely, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Feeling lonely reminds me that companionship is a natural human desire, but it can only be fulfilled when it's shared with someone special.  At least that's how it is for me.

Have a great week everyone!

Differences.

Black, white.  Up, down.  Left, right, Yes, no. Please, thank you.  Hungry, full.  Single, together.  Rich, poor.  Big, small.  Clean, dirty.  Like, dislike.  Good, bad.  Peace, chaos.

I've been thinking a lot lately.  More so than normal, which if you know me at all that tells you something has caused it.  While my brain has been busy chugging away trying to make sense of recent events, I realized something.  The ability to understand, accept, and embrace differences is a skill.  For some people it comes easy, while for others it can never be attained.  I like to think of myself as an individual that embraces differences.  I can't help but be genuinely interested and ask questions.  It makes me want to learn and grow.  It makes me a better person.  With this said, it came to me that a difference between people is that some people are like me, while others are shut off.  "It's their way or the highway," as some would call it.  Now, learning and experiencing differences does not mean you have to abide by them or live with it...but the fact that you want to explore to see if there is a better way means something.  It means a lot.  You can keep your mind set in your way, or explore the mind of others.  To me, the idea of exploring someone's mind is fun, enjoyable, and interesting.

I just find it really interesting how individual's become so closed off to thoughts, beliefs, and emotions that differ from their own.  I've found an interesting correlation.  I don't know if it's correct, but it seems to hold true...People who would be described as "closed minded" or "intolerant of differences" also lack major logic and reasoning skills.  And when you think about it, it makes sense.  If an individual continuously disregards differences and refuses to open themselves up, they do not learn.  If you do not learn, how can one expect to be logical?  They can't.  A broad mind is a logical mind.  When we encompass all the differences that are in our immediate environment, we have two choices: Reject and ignore them, or embrace and explore them.  I, personally, choose the latter.

Be curious.  Be genuine.  Be excited.

Embrace each other.

Here We Go!

So, as many of you have heard, Adam and I broke up.  This was/is really difficult for me.  When I get into a relationship that I see potential in I invest most of myself in it.  It isn't a question for me, I just naturally do it.  I have a huge heart, and I open it very easily to others.  I feel a range of emotions, mostly sad ones...but I'm getting better.  I've met a lot of cool, genuine people already and I am starting to go on casual dates again.  I know it's fast, but I don't want to dwell on my feelings.  Instead of focusing on negative emotions, I need to create positive ones and focus on those instead.  It's a work in progress. 

So, other than that, I've been well.  Besides the hiccup with Adam, my depression and anxiety seem to residing.  I am focusing on what brings me joy and finding at least three things every day that are positive and unique.  My doctor retired this week, which is really crappy.  She has been with me since the start of my depression symptoms (before it was diagnosed), and now I'm going to have to start over with someone else that doesn't know me.  Ugh. Frustrating.  It'll be okay though.  I'm hoping to be off anti-depressants by September.

So potentially bad news with Buck.  Yesterday I was giving my lesson with him and I asked him to canter in a circle.  His back legs kept giving out and he'd nearly fall.  This wasn't a one or two time event, it happened every time he cantered.  It was apparent he was very weak on his hind end.  Afterwards, I noticed his breathing.  He was completely out of breath and was almost heaving for air, even though I requested very little physical activity from him.  There was no reason for his high respiratory rate.  It took him 20 minutes to start breathing normally again.  He will be going to the vet either today or sometime next week.  Depends on when we can get him in.  We are going to get a full blood work up done on him (we've been wanting to for a while), and see if we can determine the weakness in his back legs.  Poor Bucket.  I hope he's okay...I don't know what I'd do if I lost him right now.  I need him.

I turn 21 in less than a month.  Adam and I made plans, but something tells me that's not going to happen anymore, aha.  I'd like to hang out with my friend Mark; however, he's going to be out of state for the summer.  But now that I have no one in particular I want to spend my birthday with, I think I may just go to a bar, get hit on, and get free drinks.  Sounds depressing, I know, but it'll be okay.  It will probably be more fun than it sounds.  Who knows, I may just decide to do nothing!  And that's okay too.

I'm going to start getting back into Buddhism more purposefully.  I meditated the other day for the first time in a long time.  It made me feel good.  I don't listen to myself a lot, but when I decide to I think I give myself some pretty good advice.  If nothing is wrong with Buck physically, then I will start my mounted yoga immediately.  I'm pretty excited about it.

So I think that's it.  Hope you enjoyed some of my photographs.  I'm going to be starting up that again as well.  If anyone wants pictures with their horses or anything, let me know!  I'm cheap and easy ;) Ahah...Anyway, till next time!

Keep your head up.

Keep your mind set.

Keep your heart strong.

Sometimes Life Comes Full Circle

Zema in Summer 2012

When I moved to Cedar City I had to give up my horse, Zema.  He was the last connection I had with Foxy and the house I grew up in.  Needless to say, I didn't want to lose him.  I tried to keep Zema with me and find a place I could afford in Cedar City, but it was going to be too expensive.  Zema was given to a lady who used him for trail riding.  From the e-mails I received the lady was not experiencing the Zema I rode and played with for years.  He sounded like a monster.  The horse that was described to me was anxious and mean.  Zema was eventually given back to his original owner, the lady who gave Zema to me.  She contacted me asking if I wanted Zema back, but my mom had just given me Buck and said I couldn't take Zema back.  I understood.  Several months later his original owner contacted me deeply concerned about his health.  Zema wasn't losing his winter coat in the 75 degree weather in California and he was very skinny.  He was distant and had no excitement like he used to.  It was so sad to hear.  Again she asked if I could take Zema, but we had moved to less than an acre and would be unable to support three horses on such little pasture.

Zema in Summer 2011

I suggested she give Zema to Jennie and Larry Housely, the wonderful people at Horseman Haven Ranch in Pie Town, New Mexico.  She believed it was a good idea and Zema was sent their way.  Two months later, Zema is now at Craig and Connie's house while Jennie and Larry are visiting.  He has lost most of his winter coat and has gained a lot of weight.  His shoes have been taken off and his hooves are beginning to look more natural.  When I saw him I almost didn't recognize him.  He was so round and had beautiful muscle when he was in my care.  I wanted to cry.  Not only because of his physical condition, but because of how important he was to me.  Zema was always there and seemed to understand how I was feeling.  I can't remember a single time when I left Zema feeling unhappy.  He was the best.  
 

Zema in Spring 2014

After two years, Zema is back in Hooper.  I never thought I would see him again, let alone get to brush him and talk to him.  He seemed to remember me when I saw him yesterday.  That made me feel good.  I want him back so badly...it just isn't a possibility though.  I can only hope whoever gets him after he is rehabbed will treat him with the kindness I did.  He deserves it.

On a brighter note, I got another duck! Its name is Ahmi (means "friend" in French).  I say "its" because I won't know if Ahmi is a male or female until he is about eight to ten weeks old.  Today he is officially one week old!  Ahmi is a Roun (pronounced "roan") duck.  They originated in France and look identical to Mallards.  They cannot fly though, as their body is too heavy for their wings to carry.  Right now Ahmi is living in the house.  It's still too cold outside and he is too small to be out on his own.  He is enjoying the nice comfy blankets on the couch and nightly snuggles and midday naps with me I think.  Ahmi is pretty fearless.  He expects the world to be safe and for others to look after him.  It amazes me how trusting and happy such a small, baby animal can be.  He has never seen danger or fear, so he does not know what it is.

Buck snorted out his nose and blew Ahmi off the block, hahaha

Buck and I have been playing recently.  Here is a list of what we can do now:
-Buck can back up when I'm standing on either side of him (doesn't matter where), in front, and behind.  Yesterday I even walked around Buck in circles while I asked him to back.  It was fun!
-Buck side passes away from me and towards me on both sides
-Rotates and plants his hooves on the front and back 
-I can get Buck to move each leg independently
-I can direct Buck to touch his nose on any point of focus despite the distance
-Move sideways to the fence in order to mount easily
-Bridleless riding (of course!)

Buck is getting bored with what I'm asking of him.  He learns things so quickly it's almost frustrating.  I need a lot more ideas!  If you think of anything, let me know and I'll do it!

Other than that, spring semester is nearly over.  I have two more papers to write, one presentation, and three finals.  I enjoyed this semester.  I made two friends (Mark and Jenessa) and I haven't gotten below a 95% in any class.  I may finally get that 4.0 I've been so close to getting for the past two semesters.

After school today I'm going over to Craig's to groom Zema and chat with Jennie.  I'm looking forward to it.  I want to spend as much time with him as I can.