Exposed.

So this is my version of going naked on the internet.  I am completely exposing myself and my feelings in this blog.  I'm sure those who are reading this will do either one of three things: 
1) Tell me something comforting
2) Relate to what I'm saying
3) Ignore it and think I need to talk to my therapist again
I recommend you do not do the first item...Kind words will not help me, unfortunately.

My mind has been interesting lately.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  It's hard to put it into words.  Indifferent?  Bored?  Undecided?  Depressed?  Lonely?  Calm?  Uncaring?  Melancholy?  Numb?  Purposeless?  Confused?  Tired?  I think it may be a little bit of all those things.

I feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm not working towards anything or going anywhere.  I've never felt this way before.  It's possible for me to find temporary joy in people and things, but when I get alone with myself I feel empty.  It doesn't make sense to me, so I doubt it makes sense to you, but that's what I'm experiencing. 

I'm starting to realize I want to share my life with someone.  There is an empty space within me that is only filled when I am with someone I find special.  Unfortunately, it seems that the people I am most interested in are the most difficult to build a relationship with it.  Not because of their character, but because of time.  And that, out of everything else, makes me feel like I am reaching for something I will never have.  I feel like I should stop trying.  I commit myself so heavily to people I find special it gives me a terrible feeling when the effort is not reciprocated enough to make it worth while.  I don't expect anyone to give the same amount as I do, but I do expect to receive enough to feel confident in my efforts of pursuing something more serious.  I'm all about reciprocity, and yet it seems that is the biggest thing lacking in my life and in my relationships.  People always ask why I like animals so much.  Want to know the real reason?  Because if I take care of and love animals, they will always return the favor in one way or another.

It takes two to tango, and it seems I'm the only one dancing with purpose.  I am looking...more like searching, for someone that can see me for who I am.  Someone that can embrace similarities and differences.  Someone that is willing to sacrifice and compromise when something has to give.  Someone that will not only tolerate, but enjoy my quirks.  Someone that will be my companion.  Someone that will find pleasure in seeing me do what I love.  Someone that will support my endeavors and dreams.  Someone that cherishes my intelligence and has a desire to grow with me.  Someone that will comfort me during difficult times, and laugh with me during happy times.  Someone that has a truck and is willing to learn how to ride a horse!

Totally kidding about that last one, I felt I had to break the serious talk for a moment.  My horse friends will understand, haha!  Anyway, this is a serious blog!

I want to feel loved.  I want to feel passion.  I want to feel unique.  I want to feel important.  I want to feel thought of.  I want to feel missed.  And I want to feel these things from a person I feel the same for.  I know many people feel many things for me, but it is different coming from a person you desire to be with.  I know you can understand what I am trying to say.

This does not go to say that I am not satisfied with my life, because I am, very much so.  I love my life and what I am doing in this moment.  I am doing well on my own and I am learning and growing rapidly.  Something is missing though.  I can physically feel that something is out of place in my life, and it is scary.  It is disheartening.  It is empty.

Or, maybe I should just get another cat.