And Then There Was Peace

Here is a short story that happened toady while I was with Buck.  I thought it deserved its own posting.  I hope others are able to recognize moments like this and reflect on the feeling of peace they bring.

As Buck and I were on our way home, I decided to dismount and walk next to him. I wanted to enjoy his presence at eye level.  I began to jog, and he jogged next to me.  Then I sprinted forward...He could have stopped and ate grass.  He could have trotted away from me.  He could have stayed at a walk and let me jog ahead.  But he didn't do any of those things.  To my surprise Buck started cantering next to me.  His ears pricked forward and his head was held up high.  It was such an uplifting feeling.  Having such a large animal choosing to be that close to you is quite incredible.  He didn't have a halter on.  Nothing attached him to me besides our bond.  As we slowed back down to a walk I gave him a hug and smiled from ear to ear.  He snorted out a few times.  He was smiling too.  We walked along the wooden fence that bordered an empty field.  His head low, meandering next to me silently.  My hand lay across his withers and I matched my steps with his. 
I looked into the sky to witness a beautiful sunset.  The clouds were silver lined and the sun was a pale yellow.  The light reflected a shadow of Buck and I walking in stride.  Geese flew overhead, flying silently as they passed.  In this moment, the world was perfect.  The only sounds I heard emanated from the nature that surrounded me.  Colors were brighter, and smells were stronger.  I took each step with a silent purpose.  I was stepping towards eternal happiness.  The kind of happiness that doesn't come from medication and therapy.  This moment was a good reminder of the power I carry within myself to heal and accept the things I cannot change.  I was able to share this moment with my best friend.  A 1,200 pound, four legged animal that only sees the best in me.  Buck doesn't understand the words I shared with him, but he could feel the worry and sadness melt from my mind.  He breathed deeply, occasionally looking at me with his big, concerned eyes.  In this moment, I was whole.  I was happy.  I was me.

It's been a while since I was reminded of who I really am.  It's so easy to get caught up in the mass of technology, our relationships, and enduring obligations.  How do we look past the things our culture feeds off of?  I have to take the time to remove myself from the world, and momentarily create (or actually recognize) the world I have made for myself, internally.  We don't often listen to ourselves. I'm talking about really listening to ourselves.  Our heads are too cluttered for us to hear.  If we wish to reach this level of peace, truth, and wholeness, we need to silent that noise.  Let yourself think and hear....It's incredible what we have to tell ourselves...

Snails!!!

I'm just going to start out by saying this...I'm going to San Diego, CA in ten days with an extremely good looking fellow that makes me smile endlessly.  The first two nights we are spending at a hotel that's built on the beach.  Besides being beach bums, we are also going to go to the San Diego Zoo!  Needless to say I'm really excited.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to come home with a lot of sand in my everything.  Be jealous.

Now with that being said I can move onto other things.  Not a lot has happened recently.  I've just been pluggin' away in school for the most part.  I'm becoming really interested in evolutionary psychology.  I don't know where this interest will take me, but even if I just use it to expand to my personal and professional knowledge that will be enough for me.  I posted on Facebook that I was going to write a blog on the evolutionary hypothesis, focusing on research by David Buss.  I'm still planning on it, I'm just reading up on it more so I can write a more well-educated blog.  His findings on mate selection and intrasexual competition are absolutely fascinating!  Of course it just gives me another outlet to dissect mine and other people's relationships, but that's okay with me because I love being able to apply psychological concepts to my own life.  Other people may not like it so much, as I am finding, so I think I'm just going to write about it and change names and/or keep it to myself, haha.
I wrote a research paper on divorce and child development.  It was a pretty cool topic to do research on.  I am now a firm believer that divorce is only justifiable in cases of extremely dysfunctional homes.  A lot of the implications concerning child development and divorce I had not even thought about, like the psychosocial well-being of children, or the adaptability concerns of relocation.  Very interesting stuff!  It's weird to say, but I thoroughly enjoy reading peer-reviewed research articles and summarizing findings. It's actually a career in the family studies field so if I enjoy it enough I could choose to be employed as that :)

The temperatures are finally starting to warm up a little so I've been able to be outside quite a bit.  I'm dying to be outside.  I can't stand the cold anymore.  I need my dirt and sun!  After my riding lesson today, Buck and I went out bridleless.  We walked, we trotted, we cantered...and we galloped!  Yes, that's right, Buck actually galloped!  This has been the first time I've actually ridden him since last November, so it was a pretty big deal for both of us.  I was pleasantly surprised that he was extremely responsive to my requests.  Granted, he did nearly run us into a fence twice because he wanted to run home, but I didn't fall off so that says something, right?  I am really looking forward to what him and I will accomplish this summer.  I'm planning on taking him to the Golden Spike and doing a lot of bridleless riding in their cross country course to improve our skill.  It will be a safer, more challenging environment than riding out in open fields.  
Unfortunately, Buck has been having some major problems with his left front leg.  We are going to take him in to get x-rays done this week.  We aren't sure if it's coming from his knee or his shoulder, but it's definitely causing him discomfort.  I'm hoping for the best.

I won't talk much about this because nothing is set in stone yet, but I am excited nonetheless.  I have a meeting with a client next Wednesday who has a five year old and a six year old.  She wants to get them into lessons and thinks I will be the best fit.  I also met two ladies on today's ride.  They and their kids (four and four years old) were watching me ride in the neighboring field.  I'm dropping by my lesson information tomorrow.  One of the ladies is also interested in taking lessons.  We will see what comes of this! It'd be pretty sweet to have five younger kids in lessons, seeming how I have a bunch of stuff made up for that age group already.

After trying to get hired at Petco since I was 16, the moment has finally came.  I got a call from the store manager this evening inviting me to come in on Friday.  This is great news...but I kind of think it isn't matching up with my life anymore.  When I go in I am going to see if we can get a schedule figured out that doesn't interfere with my riding lessons and school.  I know I'd be one of their most highly qualified employees, but I may actually be over qualified at this point.  If the wage doesn't match my experience, personal and professional, it's going to be a difficult decision to make.  It's like, I finally have the opportunity to do something I've been wanting to do for years, but now that it's within reach, I am reconsidering for various reasons.

For Valentine's Day Adam got me a pillow! He customized it with pictures of Bucket and Puppy.  It's the perfect size and I use it a ton...but I am paranoid it's going to get ruined cause I use it so much :(  He also got me a customized calendar of pictures I have taken.  Mostly it's of Buck, Puppy, and South Africa.  They are such great gifts.  I nearly cried over the pillow x.x

Tyrone being chill.

Gary about to fall off a plant.

So, these are my snails.  I love them.  Their names are Gary, Sheila, and Tyrone. 

Tyrone is really secluded and keeps to himself, but recently he has been hanging out with Gary a lot and moving around the tank.  I think it's because I increased the temperature to 80 degrees.  Sheila is quiet.  She hangs around Gary a lot (maybe she doesn't like black snails?).  
Gary, though, he is my favorite.  He's alllll over my tank!  He even comes up to the top of the tank to be fed when I feed the fish.  Feeding such a small creature is relaxing for me.  His little mouth opens and closes as I put food into it. He crawls halfway out of the water so he can get more food without being disturbed by the fish.  Ahh...Gary...The love I have for snails is something I think I can only understand.

New Things and Such

Every time I begin to write a blog I feel like I need to write up a detailed outline.  If I don't I usually forget important details and end up revising my posts three or four times after I publish it.  But, seemings how I just wrote an outline for a presentation for my adult development class, I don't really want to make an outline this time around.

EAGALA was a week ago.  I know I'm going to miss a lot of the things that happened, but I'll try to recall the three days as well as I can.
Day 1: I freaked out.  Yup.  Totally freaked out.  After the day was done I got in my car and wanted to rip my hair out and cry.  Sure, it was a panic attack, but that's besides the point.  I got to the clinic early, expecting to start up some conversation with other equine specialists and mental health prospects. Needless to say no one talked to me the ENTIRE day.  I tried talking to people, but everyone would respond with empty sentences or disinterest.  I was really disappointed.  Because I was feeling uninvolved I decided to volunteer to work at liberty with one of the eight horses available at the clinic along with two other people.  The horse I chose was pretty confident in himself and had a hard time standing still.  Since I was doing this with only my hands and a completely strange horse, I was hesitant.  At one point I ended up making physical contact with my knee when the horse tried walking over the top of me.  The group of 60 observers had a definite reaction to that.  Some laughed, some gasped.  The clinic instructors asked me afterwords if I'd mind working with the horses again after the lunch break.  I agreed.  
After lunch (which I spent alone -.- ) I got back out with the horses.  Instead of working with just one horse I decided to work with five of the six, each for about five minutes.  The original horse I chose when I first volunteered showed signs of jealousy so I used that to my advantage.  By the end of the 20 minutes the original horse I worked with was following me around and holding still.  We were as good of friends as two strangers could be.  After I was done with the horses I spent the next 30 minutes being berated by people's "objective" observations.  Now, "objective" is in quotations because people were not being objective whatsoever.  They were interjecting their personal opinions about what they were observing, which is NOT what they were supposed to be doing.  They were supposed to be asking unbiased, objective questions about my experience.  I had to defend myself; something which I shouldn't have had to do.  Anyway, between the combination of people being antisocial and being attacked for my horsemanship, I kind of had a freak out after I had some private time.  I wanted to go home.

 Day 2: The second day of EAGALA was sooo much better.  Again, I got there early, only this time I didn't expect anyone to talk to me.  I was wrong.  People began talking to me immediately and I wasn't left alone for the remainder of the day.  People were saying how neat it was to watch what I was doing with the horses, and asking about why I was doing what I was doing.  They were also giving me compliments on my performance from the day before.  I was shocked.  I realized that a lot of the people there had never heard of or seen natural horsemanship before.  They didn't know what to think about it.  I had many people tell me they spent the night thinking about me and what I was doing.  I didn't quite know what to think about that, but then I understood that they needed time to process what they saw.  I felt a million times better.  I ate lunch with three different groups of people and exchanged contact information with countless others.  I was getting better at my own objectivity (something that's very difficult because we, as humans, are so used to automatically judging).  I was realizing I was at this training for more personal reasons that professional reasons.  I was okay with that, even though it kind of cost a lot of money.

Day 3: The third day was just as good as the second.  More people came up to me and complimented me and asked me questions.  I was humble in my answers and tried not to say more than I knew.  I made two really unique connections on the second and third day.  A group of Indians from Canada were at the clinic.  They actually ended up inviting me to their village to spend time with their tribe and learn about the spirituality of the horse.  They even offered to pay for me to go!  I am looking forward to possibly taking up this opportunity in the summer.  The second connection made was a guy out of Texas.  He owns and operates a 700 acre ranch that is used as a rehabilitation and prevention place for boys ages 11-17 who are offenders.  He also invited me down to visit for a week or two, all expenses paid.  I will being going during the summer no doubt.  He is expanding his business and will need at least one more equine specialist in the next two years.  I could be one of them he told me.  Sooooo, I'm pretty much stoked.  :)

Those are all the main things that happened.  I could mention the little (well, kind of big) stuff like how some of the horses felt so comfortable they would lay down in the middle of our group circle, or fall asleep in between the rows of filled chairs, but if I included those things this blog would turn into a never ending story of horse behavior!  I am looking forward to finishing up my certification in April.

So now that that's out of the way I can get into the other parts of my life.  Adammmm.  Mmmm ;)  Hah...yeah, he's fantastic.  I was experiencing a lot of anxiety concerning his and my relationship, but I figured out why.  I feel emotionally safe.  I don't have to constantly worry about what he's doing, or what he's going to do.  What a feeling!  I feel like he isn't going to hurt me in any way, on purpose or on accident.  It is a strange sensation feeling so safe, and that's whats caused me anxiety.  It is very interesting to examine on a psychological level.  He takes care of me emotionally, and I am so thankful.  It's a nice change from what I'm used to.  He makes me so happy!  I so so so so wish we could see each other more often, but as of now that isn't possible.

I went back to the doctor for a check-up.  I've been experiencing a lot more anxiety and panic-like symptoms than before, but my depression has resided once more.  I've also been having nightmares on a nightly basis that are inhibiting productive sleep.  My doctor gave me some sedatives to take when I feel like my brain is going to race out of my skull (uncontrollable racing thoughts basically), but as far as the dreams go she thinks it's anxiety related.  I also told her about my leg issues and how I've been tested for numerous nerve problems.  She thinks it's coming from a circulation complication than nerves.  She gave me a blood pressure medication that specifically opens up the blood vessels to the legs.  It will either work or it won't, but it's worth a shot. The sucky part is that it makes me incredibly light headed.  If it increases the sensitivity to my legs, however, it's worth it.

Oh, and I've gotten A's on my exams so far this semester.  It's such an improvement compared to the 76% average I was getting last semester.  I feel pretty good about it :)  Now to only get an A on my exam that I have tomorrow! Wish me luck!

My favorite view driving to and from St. George, UT

PS) I may or may not have gotten my belly button peirced... 

Good Start To 2014

My oh my!  Things have been incredible!  And by "things" I mean EVERYTHING.  School, relationships, work, depression, etc.  I don't even know where to begin.  I am so excited for this coming year!

I guess since everyone has been wondering who this Adam guy is I should start with that.  Adam and I met in September and went on our first date in November.  It was an instant connection and before I knew it I was going to bed every night with my face hurting from smiling so much because of him.  We took things relatively slow for the first two months.  We just casually dated and got to know each other.  I didn't want to jump into anything too quickly as I felt I was still figuring some stuff out within myself.  But, as of January 18 we called it official.  He lives in West Valley, which is about an hour away from where I live.  It kind of sucks because I am so used to seeing my significant other nearly every day, but I think it's a good change.  This gives me the opportunity to continue to focus on other important things as an individual and make sure I have time for myself and what I'd like to do, which is what I wanted for this year.  I didn't anticipate being in a relationship because I was so set on focusing on me, myself, and I.  Adam is just such a great guy I couldn't pass him up.  His family is truly amazing as well.  One of the most accepting and open groups of people I've ever met.  I have never enjoyed being around so many people at one time as I do with his family.  I get along with them well and I think they like me, too.  I am really looking forward to mine and Adam's time together in the future.  We compliment each other well and there has never been a dull moment when I'm around him.

Oh, and he is pretty much super handsome.  That's a bonus on top of his outstanding personality.  Adam, if you are reading this, I hope your face hurts just as much as mine does!  You make me very happy :)

Next up, school!  A lot of neat stuff is happening with college.  I think I finally found my true calling.  Family studies!  I know, I know, many of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking, "How is this any different than the last 7 times?"  Truth is, I didn't realize how passionate about relationships I was until recently.  I absolutely love seeing the interpersonal dynamics between people, families, and couples.  The psychology behind is pretty neat too.  The program is simple, but so far I have learned more about marriages and relationships in two weeks than I have in my entire life.  I am super stoked.  It's looking like I'll be able to graduate in Spring of 2015 if I do everything right.  I'll be going through the program with a new friend, Mark, who is in two of my classes.  In the upcoming semesters we will be taking the same classes at the same time, so we will be seeing a lot of each other.  He is pretty smart and wants to be a marriage counselor.  He is only the second person I've actually met in college that I've became friends with...and I've been in college a pretty long time!  I'm going to take part in academic honors within the family studies department.  I'll be graduating with a shiny metal and an awesome resume because of it.  It's going to take some extra work, but I'm looking forward to it.  I'll also be applying to be a family studies officer.  They only have 10 positions open, so hopefully I'll get chosen! I have a good feeling about it.

I went to the doctor last week and discussed my current status with depression and anxiety.  The 5 mg of Lexapro I was prescribed isn't enough anymore.  My body has built up a tolerance to that dosage, so I am now taking 10 mg instead.  My doctor is concerned about the side effects I experienced on the 5 mg, and is wondering if they will worsen on a higher dosage.  Low blood pressure is by far the worst.  I'm lucky I haven't fainted yet because of it.  I have to keep a close eye on what my activity level is and my body position, specifically laying down and sitting and then standing up.  I can deal with the vivid dreams, and my doctor thinks the night sweats were because of anxiety.  They have gotten a lot less, which I am thankful for.  The therapist I have been seeing has helped immensely with guiding me through the trauma with Foxy.  We practiced grounding exercises and I use them pretty frequently here at home and at school.  They make life much easier.  Sometimes I think being strong about what happened has made me callused to my true emotions and feelings towards the accident.  It's almost like I need to talk to him when I'm having a flashback or when I'm really upset about it.  I don't think that's going to happen though.  I can't let my guard down long enough for that to happen.  I'm going to begin discussing the stress of my family at our next session.  I think that has caused a lot of building anxiety since the summer.

Finally, horse stuff.  Buck has been pretty upset at me lately.  I haven't been outside nearly as much as I should be for a couple reasons, but it's no excuse.  I need to spend a few days giving him the TLC he deserves and wants!  I've picked up a few clients for natural horsemanship.  Some horses (and people) are going to be much easier than others.  For the more difficult ones I'm going to need to stretch my knowledge.  It will be a learning curve.  I'm hoping to get help from Jennie and Larry, as well as Craig and Connie, when I need it.  So far, so good though.  I am nervous about people looking up to me like they are.  I swear some of them think I'm some protege or something.  I know I'm good at what I do with horses, but it is a lot of pressure and I want to be enough for what others are expecting of me.  By no means am I a professional...I won't take up anything I don't think I can handle or give the appropriate help to.  I believe that as I work with my clients more and start seeing improvements within the person and horse I'll feel better about it.  As of right now it's a bit nerve racking though and I wish I had some guidance.

So I think that's about it.  "Things" are happening nicely and life is exciting! I feel confident, in control, and positive.  I hope everything is going well with my family and friends that I don't talk to as often as I should.  I know some pretty cool things have been happening!  I am watching and paying attention to lives other than my own, don't worry ;)   Oh, and sorry for the lack of pictures.  I haven't been taking too many as of late because of the weather.

Plans For 2014

I guess this is something that I should blog about.  What am I going to do in 2014?  Well, there won't be any New Year resolutions or fancy plans to change who I am.  Here it is in a nut shell. I think this year I'm going to focus mostly on myself.  Not for another person's wants, needs, and desires.  It's my year.  I dunno exactly what my master plans are, but I'll figure it out as it comes. 

If one thing is for certain, I want to get a control of my emotional stress and triggers.  The grounding techniques my therapist has given me has already done wonders concerning flashbacks and trauma-drawn emotions.  I am excited to see where my mental state ends up as a result of therapy and the medication.  I am hoping to be completely done with both by the end of summer.

I am going to go to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for the entire semester.  Some days I may not be able to make it because of doctor appointments and other obligations I can't reschedule, but for the most part I'll be there three days a week for at least an hour at a time.  The purpose of going to the gym isn't for me to look better (although that is a perk), but more so that I can be in shape and more flexible for the yoga I plan on doing with Buck.

Speaking of my Bucket, I'm not sure what I want to do with him this year.  Of course we will work on our relationship more and test the limits of trust, but overall I think we are just gonna have do our best and announce it as it happens!  I want to get more horse riding lesson clients too! How many people actually want to take lessons is out of my control, but I am going to put a lot of energy into advertising and promoting natural horsemanship for beginners. 

I hope to take at least 15 credit hours a semester so I can graduate by Spring 2015 with my bachelors of integrated studies.  I'm not saying I'm going to resolve to get a 4.0, but that sure would be nice!  I'll try my best!

Here is to a new year with new adventures, achievements, struggles, realizations, and knowledge!  I have a feeling I won't be disappointed :)

 Goodbye 2013!

A Relfection on 2013

The time has come!  I've been putting off this reflection for a while for a few reasons: 
A) It's going to be a long post.
B) It requires a lot of thinking.
C) I'm lazy.

Let's go through this month by month.
January: My hair got cut off completely one day before the semester started.  I was going in to get a new short hair style, and came out looking like a boy.  It was an accident, ha.  Fortunately, people still thought I was pretty.  Someone even gave me shampoo because they felt bad! HA!  I also met my friend from China, Alice.

February: Logan and I started dating again after breaking up the following December.

March: I learned that Buck was going to be my new horse.  I wasn't very happy about it, and I don't think Buck was either.  Foxy's one year anniversary of her death was on March 28th.  I was still recovering from the accident at this point. I surrounded her grave with a fence in remembrance of how much she meant to me.  OJ stayed by her grave for hours afterwards.

April: I completed spring semester with my associates of applied science from Southern Utah University.  My graduating GPA was a 3.5.

May: I moved back home from Cedar City on May 7th to the Hooper house. On May 18th we moved after 13 wonderful years to a new house in Taylor. I still really miss the old house.  I broke up with Logan for the same reason I broke up with him in December. I decided to go into Elementary Education instead of communications. Not because I didn't want to, but because I wouldn't have to be in school for as long. Oh, and I turned 20 but did not celebrate too much.

June: Pie Town, NM!  Mine and Buck's relationship was still nonexistent.  I think I recall him stepping on me four or five times since March.   I saw my first horse leg and hoof dissection.  I learned by Foxy broke her leg.  Logan gave me an engagement ring, we stopped talking.

July: Logan told me he bought me tickets to go to South Africa back in February, so we started talking again.  He and Alice came to Marysvale with my family for the 4th of July.  I had to stop donating plasma because my heart rate was at a steady 115 and I had to go to the doctor for it.  But, I made a friend with one of the workers there before I stopped going, Cam! Alice, Cam, and I went to the zoo and aquarium. It was a blast!

August: Logan and I went to South Africa for ten days.  It was a trip of a lifetime and I will be going back one day.  That country is just amazing.  We also spent a day in Washington DC and saw the natural history museum. I started college back at Weber State University as a junior.  Oh, and Buck and I started riding bridleless!

September: Not a lot happened.  I was going full steam ahead in college and working with Buck every day.  Buck and I had made significant progress in our relationship by this point.  I began going to therapy and started on antidepressants as recommend by my doctor to treat my PTSD, anxiety, and of course, depression.

November: I went to Washington and Oregon for Thanksgiving.  It was nice seeing family I haven't seen in years and years, but at the same time it kind of just refueled my anger towards how uninvolved they've been in our lives here in Utah.

December: Graduated with 3 A's and 1 A- for the second semester in a row.  I just can't seem to get a 4.0!  I am getting a bachelors in integrated studies.  My concentrations are psychology, child and family studies, and communications.  I will be graduating spring 2015, and will start my masters program the following fall.  I cancelled by PRAXIS exam and instead signed up to start getting my equine specialist certification for EAGALA.

This year went by incredibly fast.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons and discovered characteristics about myself that are priceless.  One of the most important things I learned is to not sell myself short for what I really deserve in life.  I have a greater respect for my intelligence, morals and values, talents and desires.

To the New Year!

Buck, Medication, and College

So yeah, we have been having between 0 and 15 degree days at my house.  It hasn't kept me inside though, which is surprising.  I have always hated the cold.  This is the first winter that I have actually been outside nearly every single day.  It's all because of Buck, too.  Him and I have been going on daily rides.  We get to watch the sun set over the snowy fields and spend a lot of time together in the silence.  We can hear each other so clearly.  He has been feeling good lately.  His transitions are flawless.  He can go from a walk to a canter in a split second--something that was impossible to do a few short months ago.  

The last play day we had Jennie and Larry noticed that Buck was rotating his hind legs out a significant amount at a walk and trot.  It was brought to my attention from a vet at the play day that Buck's previous owners had taken them to her and had him evaluated for bone spavins.  He tested positive for them.  For those of you who don't know what a bone spavin is, it is the final stage of joint degeneration in the hocks.  We don't know how long ago he was diagnosed with it and how severe it was when he was tested, so we decided to take him back in.  Four x-rays later we were able to determine that Buck has nearly fused the lower 1 and 2 joints in both his hocks.  These lower joints are not the primary joints that the hock relies on for flexing.  He may appear to be slightly more stiff on the hind end, but overall it should not affect his performance. This is a very painful process for horses, but it is a relief that his body started to fuse them so long ago and now they are nearly complete.  I feel bad though because we had no idea he was in the process of fusing.  The strain on his hocks during certain movements explains his resistance to following through with repeated commands.  Although irritating the joints encourages fusing, without any pain medication it is really quite an unpleasant thing to experience for a horse.

 These are his four x-rays.  The part outlined in red is the area where the two joints are fusing.  The blue circle indicates the remaining space between the two joints that needs to finish fusing.  His right joints are nearly completely fused, which is great.  His left, as you can see, has a significant amount left to go.  As a treatment option to encourage the joints to continuing fusing with the minimal pain possible, we injected Buck's hocks with dormosedan, polyglycan, and banamine....basically a bunch of stuff to reduce pain, help the other joints in the area, and encourage fusing.  We don't know if the rotation he was having was due to the pain on his hocks or if it is his stifles.  I will have to watch over the next couple weeks to see if the injections reduced the amount of rotation or not. All in all though Buck will be with me for a long time.  The only thing I'll have to watch out for is making sure I am not putting him in situations where he has to have an increased amount of prolonged pressure on the joints, as the fusion can break (ouch!).

As a side note, it is very possible Buck pulls himself with his front instead of pushing himself with his hind because of the pain he has experienced in his hocks.  Pulling himself relieves pressure on those joints.  I'm hoping once he has finished fusing he will start pushing instead, but we will see.  He has been pulling for a long, long time.

Aside from Buck, things have been "eh."  My medication is still doing its jobs, but the side affects have not gone away yet, which is not a good sign.  Just last night I woke up due to a night sweat.  It's so annoying. No one likes waking up covered in sweat -.-  The vivid dreams are still pretty common, almost nightly.  So far they haven't been disturbing but I don't necessarily enjoy having them.  I've never heard voices before, but man, last night was a first for that.  I was woken up by some voice yelling my name. It sounded like a demon.  Then for about thirty minutes after that random sounds were amplified in such a way they didn't seem real.  I've been so light headed and dizzy lately too.  I dunno.  Ugh.  I need to make another appointment with my doctor.

I am going to have a VERY busy next month a half.  I didn't know it at the time I signed up for my classes, but my biopsychology course is a 7 week speed course.  Four exams, at least one research based paper, plus multiple assignemnts...joy.  My ENGL 3300 class is gonna be fun.  My professor said that if we don't want to be overwhelmed when the semester starts that it would be a good idea to read 14 of the 35 books assigned before January 6.  I need to make a trip to the library, ha.  And I have three other classes, too.  My PRAXIS exam is scheduled for January 13.  I've already started studying for it, but it's going to take a lot of work.  I have to pass the first time around or I am in major jeopardy of not being able to start my education levels until Spring 2015.  That would put my degree back another year, and I would be unable to take other courses that are applicable towards my degree until then.  I don't even want to think about that.

My hair is getting so long!

 Oh, and Tango kicked me in the shin.  Little shit.