New Things and Such

Every time I begin to write a blog I feel like I need to write up a detailed outline.  If I don't I usually forget important details and end up revising my posts three or four times after I publish it.  But, seemings how I just wrote an outline for a presentation for my adult development class, I don't really want to make an outline this time around.

EAGALA was a week ago.  I know I'm going to miss a lot of the things that happened, but I'll try to recall the three days as well as I can.
Day 1: I freaked out.  Yup.  Totally freaked out.  After the day was done I got in my car and wanted to rip my hair out and cry.  Sure, it was a panic attack, but that's besides the point.  I got to the clinic early, expecting to start up some conversation with other equine specialists and mental health prospects. Needless to say no one talked to me the ENTIRE day.  I tried talking to people, but everyone would respond with empty sentences or disinterest.  I was really disappointed.  Because I was feeling uninvolved I decided to volunteer to work at liberty with one of the eight horses available at the clinic along with two other people.  The horse I chose was pretty confident in himself and had a hard time standing still.  Since I was doing this with only my hands and a completely strange horse, I was hesitant.  At one point I ended up making physical contact with my knee when the horse tried walking over the top of me.  The group of 60 observers had a definite reaction to that.  Some laughed, some gasped.  The clinic instructors asked me afterwords if I'd mind working with the horses again after the lunch break.  I agreed.  
After lunch (which I spent alone -.- ) I got back out with the horses.  Instead of working with just one horse I decided to work with five of the six, each for about five minutes.  The original horse I chose when I first volunteered showed signs of jealousy so I used that to my advantage.  By the end of the 20 minutes the original horse I worked with was following me around and holding still.  We were as good of friends as two strangers could be.  After I was done with the horses I spent the next 30 minutes being berated by people's "objective" observations.  Now, "objective" is in quotations because people were not being objective whatsoever.  They were interjecting their personal opinions about what they were observing, which is NOT what they were supposed to be doing.  They were supposed to be asking unbiased, objective questions about my experience.  I had to defend myself; something which I shouldn't have had to do.  Anyway, between the combination of people being antisocial and being attacked for my horsemanship, I kind of had a freak out after I had some private time.  I wanted to go home.

 Day 2: The second day of EAGALA was sooo much better.  Again, I got there early, only this time I didn't expect anyone to talk to me.  I was wrong.  People began talking to me immediately and I wasn't left alone for the remainder of the day.  People were saying how neat it was to watch what I was doing with the horses, and asking about why I was doing what I was doing.  They were also giving me compliments on my performance from the day before.  I was shocked.  I realized that a lot of the people there had never heard of or seen natural horsemanship before.  They didn't know what to think about it.  I had many people tell me they spent the night thinking about me and what I was doing.  I didn't quite know what to think about that, but then I understood that they needed time to process what they saw.  I felt a million times better.  I ate lunch with three different groups of people and exchanged contact information with countless others.  I was getting better at my own objectivity (something that's very difficult because we, as humans, are so used to automatically judging).  I was realizing I was at this training for more personal reasons that professional reasons.  I was okay with that, even though it kind of cost a lot of money.

Day 3: The third day was just as good as the second.  More people came up to me and complimented me and asked me questions.  I was humble in my answers and tried not to say more than I knew.  I made two really unique connections on the second and third day.  A group of Indians from Canada were at the clinic.  They actually ended up inviting me to their village to spend time with their tribe and learn about the spirituality of the horse.  They even offered to pay for me to go!  I am looking forward to possibly taking up this opportunity in the summer.  The second connection made was a guy out of Texas.  He owns and operates a 700 acre ranch that is used as a rehabilitation and prevention place for boys ages 11-17 who are offenders.  He also invited me down to visit for a week or two, all expenses paid.  I will being going during the summer no doubt.  He is expanding his business and will need at least one more equine specialist in the next two years.  I could be one of them he told me.  Sooooo, I'm pretty much stoked.  :)

Those are all the main things that happened.  I could mention the little (well, kind of big) stuff like how some of the horses felt so comfortable they would lay down in the middle of our group circle, or fall asleep in between the rows of filled chairs, but if I included those things this blog would turn into a never ending story of horse behavior!  I am looking forward to finishing up my certification in April.

So now that that's out of the way I can get into the other parts of my life.  Adammmm.  Mmmm ;)  Hah...yeah, he's fantastic.  I was experiencing a lot of anxiety concerning his and my relationship, but I figured out why.  I feel emotionally safe.  I don't have to constantly worry about what he's doing, or what he's going to do.  What a feeling!  I feel like he isn't going to hurt me in any way, on purpose or on accident.  It is a strange sensation feeling so safe, and that's whats caused me anxiety.  It is very interesting to examine on a psychological level.  He takes care of me emotionally, and I am so thankful.  It's a nice change from what I'm used to.  He makes me so happy!  I so so so so wish we could see each other more often, but as of now that isn't possible.

I went back to the doctor for a check-up.  I've been experiencing a lot more anxiety and panic-like symptoms than before, but my depression has resided once more.  I've also been having nightmares on a nightly basis that are inhibiting productive sleep.  My doctor gave me some sedatives to take when I feel like my brain is going to race out of my skull (uncontrollable racing thoughts basically), but as far as the dreams go she thinks it's anxiety related.  I also told her about my leg issues and how I've been tested for numerous nerve problems.  She thinks it's coming from a circulation complication than nerves.  She gave me a blood pressure medication that specifically opens up the blood vessels to the legs.  It will either work or it won't, but it's worth a shot. The sucky part is that it makes me incredibly light headed.  If it increases the sensitivity to my legs, however, it's worth it.

Oh, and I've gotten A's on my exams so far this semester.  It's such an improvement compared to the 76% average I was getting last semester.  I feel pretty good about it :)  Now to only get an A on my exam that I have tomorrow! Wish me luck!

My favorite view driving to and from St. George, UT

PS) I may or may not have gotten my belly button peirced...