My guppies had babies again. Last time I managed to kill all six of them, but now that I have six more, I am determined to keep them alive!
Buck does not know how to gallop. What kind of horse doesn't know how to gallop? It's ridiculous! I have never seen him go faster than a canter, and when I give him the reins and tell him to book it, he just does a faster canter that nearly throws me off. Sigh. He pulls with his shoulders and doesn't push with his hips. That's the problem.
I have to go to Weber State every day starting next semester until my degree is complete. That's right! Monday through Friday for the next two and a half years. Do you know how much gas that is going to be? I now understand why people live on campus or within a few blocks of campus. So.Much.Gas. I will need to get some sort of income flowing or I will be in some serious trouble.
So I have come to realize I have an anxiety problem. I admit I have let it get to this level but pushing things into dark places, trying to hide them from time and my own sadness. Well, that method didn't quite work. I get extremely stressed out over things that I shouldn't. I have a very hard time concentrating on what I need to do, and my decision making skills aren't as good as they used to be. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest 24/7, unless I am with Buck. It's just not good. I'm constantly tired and I feel like I'm struggling to keep up the things I've done my whole life or for many years, like staying full time in college or keeping my room clean. I cry at night because I feel like there is so much to worry about, even though there really isn't. It's like a part of my brain is missing and I can't reason with my feelings. I've been having flashbacks about Foxy's death again and that really scares me. Why would they come back after a year and a half after the accident? It's been several months since I've had one. Everything is just overwhelming, and yes, I have decided to go to the doctor about it. When I went in the middle of June to figure out what was going on with my health, my doctor said I needed to go back if things did not change. I've stopped losing weight (I think), but everything else is the same. I need to go back, as hard as that is for me to do (pride thing. I should be able to handle this!). I don't know...I feel terrible. I don't want my family to think I am weak or complaining, especially my dad. This is just something I feel that I cannot fix on my own and I need another person's help with. I just wish I had the willpower to do it by myself, but I don't. How I feel is just going to keep getting worse and worse, and then I'm going to hit my breaking point and who knows what will happen. I want to cry.
That was depressing, ha. Sometimes I hate admitting myself to the truth of things.
Right now I have three A's and one A- in my classes this semester. It would be really cool if I could get a 4.0, or at least close to one. I'm looking forward to doing my best next semester, too. Since I'll be up there all day every day I should be able to focus a lot of energy into my studies. I'm planning on going to the gym at least one day a week as well. I know one day a week sounds like nothing, but for me it's pretty significant. I hate working out. I hate everything about it. Sweating, increased heart rate, repetitiveness, comparison....It just sucks. BUT! I will do it. I can manage one day a week. Who knows, I may even end up liking it for some reason next semester...
I broke up with Evan last Sunday. I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to be in a committed relationship right now. I jumped into the relationship too soon and didn't process my feelings over mine and Logan's break up, either. It wasn't fair for either of us, so it is better this way. He's a super nice guy, it just wasn't working out on my end.
My hair is getting longer! Here is an updated picture. I did mention
I'm growing my hair out again, right? For real this time too!
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