So I broke up with Logan in May. At first I tried to be his friend but he made that difficult and then I made the decision to not speak to him for a month. Shortly after the month passed he told me about Africa. Of course I wanted to go--going to Africa has been my dream for years and years! We started seeing each other again and planning the trip.
I do admit that me trying to be friends with him may have come off as I was interested in a relationship again. That was never the case, but I can see how someone could look at it like that. My bad. I went through a confusing period that lasted about a month. Granted, I knew what I really wanted (to not be with Logan), but my brain and heart were telling me two different things. It kind of felt like tug-o-war. Soon enough Logan and I were doing the dirty again. I knew it was wrong, but I was fine with just having sex with no strings attached. I was dating other people and wasn't interested in him in a romantic sense (all the people I was dating were aware of what I was doing with Logan.) I told him that was the deal and he said he understood. Apparently not, however. I knew he wouldn't be able to separate the two like I could. I reminded him every time it meant nothing and I really was just using his body. Kind of rude, I know, but he was fully aware. I didn't mean to rag doll Logan around, but that's what happened. He wanted something completely different than what I did and I knew that from the beginning.
Logan kept pressuring me to date him. I thought it was a ridiculous idea, but at this point it was easier to say "okay" than no. He kept saying, "You're dating other people, so why not date me?" Geeze, I don't know! Maybe because I don't want a relationship with you?!? I guess this could all be described as a landslide, really. One thing led to another and before I knew it he thought we were dating and I just said yes to get him to shut up. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the entire arrangement and put and end to it rather quickly.
Oh, the drama continues...
About a week before him and I went to Africa I told him there was going to be no more of anything. I didn't want to date him or be in a relationship with him. We could either treat one another as friends or not and he can leave. We got into a huge argument about how I have been giving him mixed signals and using him (true, but not in the sense he thought so). I didn't use him to go to Africa or get free dinners, not at all. The mixed signals are a given, but I did disclose to him on a regular basis there was nothing there and I didn't want a relationship with him. I really was just being friendly. Being friendly is something the wrong thing to do, especially in a situation such as this.
We got back from Africa and well...read the previous blog if you haven't yet.
Moral of this wonderful life experience? Don't sleep with your ex-boyfriend and don't say "yes" just because it's easier to say at the time. In the long run you'll screw yourself over. Guaranteed. I should have broke contact with Logan much sooner in the summer, but the trip to Africa kind of hindered that process. Of course, I didn't help myself by choosing to do what I did with him, but I think everything turned out how it was supposed to. He still probably would have gone nuts and I still probably would have been as anxiety ridden as I am now.
YOLO!
If I missed anything, I apologize. I've done my best at moving past all this and that included me purposely forgetting a lot of parts in this story. And Logan, if you read this, please comment saying things that I may have left out if you feel the need to do so.
Jenn, I freaking love you and I'm happy that you're making yourself happy and putting everything out in the open. You're awesome for doing so. We need to get together again soon. :)
ReplyDeleteThere is just one thing I would like to add and that is.. simply my thanks for owning up to things that you had done making things complicated for me as well. It takes a lot to admit things like that especially to your peers, friends and family. I know I've been stubborn and just this week when I actually realized all that I've been doing and done, it finally hit me knowing what I was doing and more importantly who I was doing it to, my best friend. I never should have acted how I did and never wanted to lose you as a friend. I truely am sorry. Please know that. I hope I haven't completely lost you as a friend as well and that you'll one day forgive me. Till then, if it comes, thank you again for admitting this, it means more then you know to me. Take care Jennifer!
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ReplyDeleteI just want to say one more thing with actually having my laptop and re-reading just to make sure nothing was missed. With the dating, with saying yeah, lets date. I didn't know you were dragging that all out until you finally told me a while later. Lots of mixed signals. And last thing, to stand up for myself, you say I would have probably gone nuts regardless... That's bullshit. Had I not been thrown mixed signals, and tossed on an emotional roller coaster through a whole summer thinking we were working on something, I would have had more control over myself! I just want to be clear with that. You know me Jenn, I would have never acted that way had things been different and to think I would have, you don't know me as well as you think. Thank you again though for clearing things up regardless with your blog. Have a good night!
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