I'm Not So Good After All.

So here is yet another blog about Logan and I. I thought I'd get some things out in the air to make him feel better and me maybe not look so good. Maybe it's my conscious, or maybe it's how little people respect what I wish to keep private and it's really freaking annoying. I'm not entirely sure. It could be both I suppose.

So I broke up with Logan in May. At first I tried to be his friend but he made that difficult and then I made the decision to not speak to him for a month. Shortly after the month passed he told me about Africa. Of course I wanted to go--going to Africa has been my dream for years and years! We started seeing each other again and planning the trip.

I do admit that me trying to be friends with him may have come off as I was interested in a relationship again. That was never the case, but I can see how someone could look at it like that. My bad. I went through a confusing period that lasted about a month. Granted, I knew what I really wanted (to not be with Logan), but my brain and heart were telling me two different things. It kind of felt like tug-o-war. Soon enough Logan and I were doing the dirty again. I knew it was wrong, but I was fine with just having sex with no strings attached. I was dating other people and wasn't interested in him in a romantic sense (all the people I was dating were aware of what I was doing with Logan.) I told him that was the deal and he said he understood. Apparently not, however. I knew he wouldn't be able to separate the two like I could. I reminded him every time it meant nothing and I really was just using his body. Kind of rude, I know, but he was fully aware. I didn't mean to rag doll Logan around, but that's what happened. He wanted something completely different than what I did and I knew that from the beginning.

Logan kept pressuring me to date him. I thought it was a ridiculous idea, but at this point it was easier to say "okay" than no. He kept saying, "You're dating other people, so why not date me?" Geeze, I don't know! Maybe because I don't want a relationship with you?!? I guess this could all be described as a landslide, really. One thing led to another and before I knew it he thought we were dating and I just said yes to get him to shut up. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the entire arrangement and put and end to it rather quickly.

Oh, the drama continues...

About a week before him and I went to Africa I told him there was going to be no more of anything. I didn't want to date him or be in a relationship with him. We could either treat one another as friends or not and he can leave. We got into a huge argument about how I have been giving him mixed signals and using him (true, but not in the sense he thought so). I didn't use him to go to Africa or get free dinners, not at all. The mixed signals are a given, but I did disclose to him on a regular basis there was nothing there and I didn't want a relationship with him. I really was just being friendly. Being friendly is something the wrong thing to do, especially in a situation such as this.

We got back from Africa and well...read the previous blog if you haven't yet.

Moral of this wonderful life experience? Don't sleep with your ex-boyfriend and don't say "yes" just because it's easier to say at the time. In the long run you'll screw yourself over. Guaranteed. I should have broke contact with Logan much sooner in the summer, but the trip to Africa kind of hindered that process. Of course, I didn't help myself by choosing to do what I did with him, but I think everything turned out how it was supposed to. He still probably would have gone nuts and I still probably would have been as anxiety ridden as I am now.

YOLO!

If I missed anything, I apologize. I've done my best at moving past all this and that included me purposely forgetting a lot of parts in this story.  And Logan, if you read this, please comment saying things that I may have left out if you feel the need to do so.

Stress Overload

I hate complaining.  I hate posting personal drama on the internet.  I hate showing that my life isn't awesome all the time.  But today, I just say screw it and I'm finally going to spill all the crap that's been going on with Logan.  I may get criticism for posting this on the internet because it's about another person, but I don't really see why it's a problem. I don't mean for this to sound revengeful, but he did this to himself and I have every right to let people know what he's put me through.  I'm sick of people asking about it.

After Logan and I got back from Africa things were okay for about four days.  I wanted to start distancing myself from him for his sake, and mine.  It was time he moved on for good and I was so tired of having to deal with the emotional bullshit that radiated from him.  I didn't tell him anything new.  Everything I said I told him before we went to Africa.  "I want my space from you and I think you need it as well."  "If you won't distance yourself from me, I'll do it for you."  "I'm started to date other people and can see a relationship in the future."  "It's time you start focusing your energy on something other than me."  He had heard it from me about a dozen times before this point, but it really hit him like a ton of bricks this time for some reason.

I hit my breaking point when I told Logan I wanted the pictures from Africa off his computer, but I didn't want to see him because he was telling me he wanted to "talk."  Which means I end up yelling and he ends up crying.  I tried finding a way for him to just leave them on his door step and I could grab it, but he insisted on coming to my house and putting them on the porch.  I figure, "Okay, I just won't answer the door and he'll leave the pictures and go."  WRONG. BAD IDEA.  I told him I would not answer the door and it would be best if he just put them in the mailbox and left.  He didn't do that.  Instead he spent the next thirty minutes outside my house, calling and texting me over and over again. He started using the pictures as a pry to get me to see him and I eventually said to just forget about it and leave or I'd call the police.  He ended up leaving, but left the pictures (yay!).  I ran downstairs and locked all the doors after that.

About twenty unanswered phone calls later, I told him I was blocking his number.  He started contacting me on Facebook, so I blocked that as well.  Shortly after I hear a knock on my door.  I looked out the window and saw his car in my driveway.  I was seriously scared he was going to come into the house through the garage since he knew the pass code.  I didn't want to go downstairs for risk of him seeing me so I just stayed in the upstairs den and tried to focus on homework.  I heard his car storm off about fifteen minutes later.

He created a fake Facebook account, I blocked that as well.  I thought that he wouldn't have any other way of contacting me unless he showed up to my work, house, or school.  I was wrong.  He started e-mailing my phone from his numerous e-mail addresses.  He also started, as many of you have experienced firsthand, contacting my friends and anyone who knew me.  The lies he has been telling people are just outrageous.  Apparently I made him buy the engagement ring AND the trip to Africa.  I also used him for the trip and I'm a bitch.  Sounds like stuff I would do, right?  That's totally why I paid for my half of the expenses (minus the plane ticket because he wouldn't let me).  Yeah, no.  It's just BS.  Throughout this time Logan had tried contacting me via e-mail and blog.  At one point he even approached the building I was in while waiting for class at Weber State.  He wanted to talk and see me.  I just shook my head no a bunch of times and he eventually ended up leaving.  Seeing him made me feel sick to my stomach.  Keep in mind all of this has happened in two weeks.  

I gave Logan plenty of warnings to stop contacting me and leave my friends and family alone.  If this isn't harassment I don't know what else to call it. I have made it very clear I do not want his attention or any contact from him, and yet he continues to try harder and harder.  My dad finally had to intervene as of this morning when Logan apparently looked at my Facebook and a post I posted about having my friends not reply to him.  Logan wanted me to remove it.  The way I look at it is, maybe if he wasn't acting so bat shit crazy I wouldn't have had to post that warning to my friends in the first place.  I'm doing everything I can to control this situation, but the fact of the matter is, it's out of my control.  I can keep ignoring him, tell my friends to do the same and not tell me about it, and try to focus on what I need to do in school.  If he approaches me again, however, a protection order will be requested against him.  I know the impact a protection order would have on him (as far as employment and whatnot go), but I need to feel safe.  I shouldn't have to be scared to go to school, or wonder if he is sitting in my work parking lot, or Hell, if he is going to show up at my house again.  I shouldn't have to feel that way. 

As I mentioned in my previous blog I had met a guy named Evan.  Him and I are officially together now, despite the trouble we have had with Logan.  Logan was being absolutely ridiculous with Evan--offering to pay him to stay away from me, wanting to get involved in his and my business, telling him he is wasting his time.  Evan, bless his heart, had stayed cool and collected the entire time.  He has been nothing but supportive through this whole endeavor.  The fact that this hasn't scared him off says a lot about him too, I think.   Evan is a really great guy and keeps me down to Earth when I get into these moments of freaking out.  It takes a special kind of person to balance that out and make me breathe again.

I feel bad for Logan.  It's sad, really.  All the lies he has hidden behind and the emotions he has buried for so long while we were together is monumental.  I just don't think he could take it anymore and he snapped.  I really hope one day Logan will be able to have a good life with a family he loves and a good job to spoil them.  He deserves that.  I understand people go through rough moments in their life, and although this is incredibly extreme, it happened and it just needs to be dealt with day by day.  I wish him good luck in the present and in the future, and I hope this is his lowest point in life so he can only move forward from here.

On the bright side, here is a picture of me and a giraffe.  It was awesome.

 

So There Is Kind Of A Lot Going On Right Now

Well, here I am writing my blog back in my bed in good old Utah, USA.  It feels nice to be home after being in another country for ten days.  I miss South Africa though in special ways...like the people's hard-to-understand accents, the insane drivers, and sketchy hotels.  But really, the country was great.  I hope one day I'll be able to see all the animals again and spend a longer amount of time over there relaxing.  I miss my banana horn bill...If I could legally own one of those I would have taken one home with me.  They are so cool!  I love them.  Although lions are my favorite, I have gained so much appreciation for all the wildlife that surrounds us.  Every organism that walks this Earth is so unique to its surroundings I am in awe of it. 

So I'll talk about my animals first just to get that out of the way.  Basically, before I left Puppy was really mad at me for a couple reasons.  When I came back, he realized how much he missed me.  He is still clinging onto me like I got home yesterday.  Same with Freckles.  She actually brought me a dead bird on Sunday.  Cute, right?  Buck was, to say the least, extremely pissed that I was gone.  Usually when you leave a horse alone for a couple days they tend to process information a little more thoroughly and when you come back they are even better than before.  This is the second time I've been gone for a while and Buck has came back at me with his full load of stubbornness, head throwing, and pushing.  Luckily we were able to change that in a relatively quick manner.  I took him for a walk down the road and let him eat some delicious weeds.  I could tell he forgave me almost instantly once I took him out of his dry lot.  On our way back to the house I rode him bridleless for a little while.  We worked on figure eights at a trot and stopping in the front yard.  I am glad I have my Bucket Boy back.

So I got home on Monday, August 26.  College had already started so I was behind from the get go as far as my online classes go.  I didn't get to bed until 11:00 PM, then had to wake up at 7:00 AM to go to my on campus classes.  On Wednesday I was so sleep deprived I actually slept for 14 hours straight.  I fell asleep at 5:30 PM and woke up at 7:30 AM.  I felt amazing once I woke up though.  But alas, I am once again sleep deprived.  I love sleeping, but at the same time it is incredibly frustrating because it is so hard for me to sleep well.  I can fall asleep just fine, but staying asleep and getting a deep sleep is nearly impossible.  I've thought about going into the doctors for some help, but I know what's making me sleep terribly (stress).  Once I get that under control I'll see if my sleeping patterns change.  If not, I'll go in and see what can be done.

There has been a lot of stress going on coming from all areas of my life at the moment.  Some good stress and some bad stress.  I guess I'll kind of just vent and give everyone the story!
Before Logan and I went to Africa, I could have sworn people were taking bets on if we were going to come back as a couple or not.  Being as that was the place we were supposed to be engaged, I can understand how a lot of people may have been extremely suspicious.  So here is what really happened in Africa with Logan and I: Absolutely nothing.  Tada!  We got in a couple arguments about personal space and stuff, but other than that he was very well behaved and didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all.  

As of now, however, Logan and I are at a stand still with our friendship.  I really need my space away from him, and he needs to distance himself from me so he can move on in a more productive manner.  I know he doesn't understand why I say the things I do, but I've never been wrong about them.  He really just needs to get a few girl's numbers, take them on some dates, and explore life a little more.  If we want to be friends in the future, he needs to get over me.  I can't keep up this constant fighting.  Since I've moved on it's been an uphill battle with his emotions and desires.  It has worn me thin.

School has been kicking my ass.  After having a long, stressful summer, I feel like I didn't really have time to unwind and prepare myself for the next eight months of course work.  Nonetheless, I'm keeping up with the assignments (not so much on the reading...).  I really wish I could just sleep normally so I didn't have to wake up feeling tired every day, then have to push through the wall of tiredness just to do a simple assignment.  Concentrating gets pretty hard!  I'll be okay once I get into the rhythm of things better.

My dad's job is in jeopardy.  That's pretty terrifying. I won't talk about it too much because a lot of things are up in the air about it, but yeah.  Just a little insecure about the future of my parents and my living situation in correlation to college.

I met a guy named Evan at a friend's party about a month back.  Out of all the guys I've spoken to over the summer he's actually the first one to spark my interest in a new relationship.  Unfortunately for us, however, there is a ton of drama going on between Evan's group of friends and Logan's group of friends.  Logan, Evan, and I are the hot topic it seems.  Although Logan and Evan aren't friends, people seem to have a huge problem with Evan and I dating.  Evan's the asshole, I'm a bitch, and Logan is the victim.  I guess that's what happens when people have nothing better in their lives to think and talk about.  It will be okay, it's just all really, really stupid.

I'm concerned I am not dedicating enough time to Buck now that school has started and I'm working part-time.  He doesn't seem to mind, but for my own enjoyment and our relationship I'm actually beating myself up quite a lot for it.  I want to dedicate so much time to him it isn't even funny.  I almost feel guilty about it.  Luckily, starting next Monday, I am beginning lessons with a four year old girl.  We will mostly be working with books and small tangible objects, but every now and then we will go out with Bucket and I'll make her feel like she has magical powers.  So that will be every Monday and Wednesday from 10:00 to 10:30 AM.  I am hoping this will allow me more time to just be around Buck.  As a side note, a bit nervous to work with such a young child.  It will be a learning experience for me, as well as for her and her mother.

I keep coming down with stress induced headaches and colds.  Talk about annoying!  They will just appear out of nowhere when I get stressed, and then once I'm able to relax for a day or two they just magically go away!  I hate it, but am trying to do my best at managing it.  I feel bad I haven't been meditating.  I've became very out of practice and need to get back into it for my emotional, mental, and physical health.

So there you have it.  Everything that has gone on in one week.  Life is pretty crazy, isn't it?  I'll be okay in the end, it's just difficult right now.  I hope everyone else's lives are going well, though! Goodnight homies!  PEACE!