And Then There Was Peace

Here is a short story that happened toady while I was with Buck.  I thought it deserved its own posting.  I hope others are able to recognize moments like this and reflect on the feeling of peace they bring.

As Buck and I were on our way home, I decided to dismount and walk next to him. I wanted to enjoy his presence at eye level.  I began to jog, and he jogged next to me.  Then I sprinted forward...He could have stopped and ate grass.  He could have trotted away from me.  He could have stayed at a walk and let me jog ahead.  But he didn't do any of those things.  To my surprise Buck started cantering next to me.  His ears pricked forward and his head was held up high.  It was such an uplifting feeling.  Having such a large animal choosing to be that close to you is quite incredible.  He didn't have a halter on.  Nothing attached him to me besides our bond.  As we slowed back down to a walk I gave him a hug and smiled from ear to ear.  He snorted out a few times.  He was smiling too.  We walked along the wooden fence that bordered an empty field.  His head low, meandering next to me silently.  My hand lay across his withers and I matched my steps with his. 
I looked into the sky to witness a beautiful sunset.  The clouds were silver lined and the sun was a pale yellow.  The light reflected a shadow of Buck and I walking in stride.  Geese flew overhead, flying silently as they passed.  In this moment, the world was perfect.  The only sounds I heard emanated from the nature that surrounded me.  Colors were brighter, and smells were stronger.  I took each step with a silent purpose.  I was stepping towards eternal happiness.  The kind of happiness that doesn't come from medication and therapy.  This moment was a good reminder of the power I carry within myself to heal and accept the things I cannot change.  I was able to share this moment with my best friend.  A 1,200 pound, four legged animal that only sees the best in me.  Buck doesn't understand the words I shared with him, but he could feel the worry and sadness melt from my mind.  He breathed deeply, occasionally looking at me with his big, concerned eyes.  In this moment, I was whole.  I was happy.  I was me.

It's been a while since I was reminded of who I really am.  It's so easy to get caught up in the mass of technology, our relationships, and enduring obligations.  How do we look past the things our culture feeds off of?  I have to take the time to remove myself from the world, and momentarily create (or actually recognize) the world I have made for myself, internally.  We don't often listen to ourselves. I'm talking about really listening to ourselves.  Our heads are too cluttered for us to hear.  If we wish to reach this level of peace, truth, and wholeness, we need to silent that noise.  Let yourself think and hear....It's incredible what we have to tell ourselves...

Snails!!!

I'm just going to start out by saying this...I'm going to San Diego, CA in ten days with an extremely good looking fellow that makes me smile endlessly.  The first two nights we are spending at a hotel that's built on the beach.  Besides being beach bums, we are also going to go to the San Diego Zoo!  Needless to say I'm really excited.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to come home with a lot of sand in my everything.  Be jealous.

Now with that being said I can move onto other things.  Not a lot has happened recently.  I've just been pluggin' away in school for the most part.  I'm becoming really interested in evolutionary psychology.  I don't know where this interest will take me, but even if I just use it to expand to my personal and professional knowledge that will be enough for me.  I posted on Facebook that I was going to write a blog on the evolutionary hypothesis, focusing on research by David Buss.  I'm still planning on it, I'm just reading up on it more so I can write a more well-educated blog.  His findings on mate selection and intrasexual competition are absolutely fascinating!  Of course it just gives me another outlet to dissect mine and other people's relationships, but that's okay with me because I love being able to apply psychological concepts to my own life.  Other people may not like it so much, as I am finding, so I think I'm just going to write about it and change names and/or keep it to myself, haha.
I wrote a research paper on divorce and child development.  It was a pretty cool topic to do research on.  I am now a firm believer that divorce is only justifiable in cases of extremely dysfunctional homes.  A lot of the implications concerning child development and divorce I had not even thought about, like the psychosocial well-being of children, or the adaptability concerns of relocation.  Very interesting stuff!  It's weird to say, but I thoroughly enjoy reading peer-reviewed research articles and summarizing findings. It's actually a career in the family studies field so if I enjoy it enough I could choose to be employed as that :)

The temperatures are finally starting to warm up a little so I've been able to be outside quite a bit.  I'm dying to be outside.  I can't stand the cold anymore.  I need my dirt and sun!  After my riding lesson today, Buck and I went out bridleless.  We walked, we trotted, we cantered...and we galloped!  Yes, that's right, Buck actually galloped!  This has been the first time I've actually ridden him since last November, so it was a pretty big deal for both of us.  I was pleasantly surprised that he was extremely responsive to my requests.  Granted, he did nearly run us into a fence twice because he wanted to run home, but I didn't fall off so that says something, right?  I am really looking forward to what him and I will accomplish this summer.  I'm planning on taking him to the Golden Spike and doing a lot of bridleless riding in their cross country course to improve our skill.  It will be a safer, more challenging environment than riding out in open fields.  
Unfortunately, Buck has been having some major problems with his left front leg.  We are going to take him in to get x-rays done this week.  We aren't sure if it's coming from his knee or his shoulder, but it's definitely causing him discomfort.  I'm hoping for the best.

I won't talk much about this because nothing is set in stone yet, but I am excited nonetheless.  I have a meeting with a client next Wednesday who has a five year old and a six year old.  She wants to get them into lessons and thinks I will be the best fit.  I also met two ladies on today's ride.  They and their kids (four and four years old) were watching me ride in the neighboring field.  I'm dropping by my lesson information tomorrow.  One of the ladies is also interested in taking lessons.  We will see what comes of this! It'd be pretty sweet to have five younger kids in lessons, seeming how I have a bunch of stuff made up for that age group already.

After trying to get hired at Petco since I was 16, the moment has finally came.  I got a call from the store manager this evening inviting me to come in on Friday.  This is great news...but I kind of think it isn't matching up with my life anymore.  When I go in I am going to see if we can get a schedule figured out that doesn't interfere with my riding lessons and school.  I know I'd be one of their most highly qualified employees, but I may actually be over qualified at this point.  If the wage doesn't match my experience, personal and professional, it's going to be a difficult decision to make.  It's like, I finally have the opportunity to do something I've been wanting to do for years, but now that it's within reach, I am reconsidering for various reasons.

For Valentine's Day Adam got me a pillow! He customized it with pictures of Bucket and Puppy.  It's the perfect size and I use it a ton...but I am paranoid it's going to get ruined cause I use it so much :(  He also got me a customized calendar of pictures I have taken.  Mostly it's of Buck, Puppy, and South Africa.  They are such great gifts.  I nearly cried over the pillow x.x

Tyrone being chill.

Gary about to fall off a plant.

So, these are my snails.  I love them.  Their names are Gary, Sheila, and Tyrone. 

Tyrone is really secluded and keeps to himself, but recently he has been hanging out with Gary a lot and moving around the tank.  I think it's because I increased the temperature to 80 degrees.  Sheila is quiet.  She hangs around Gary a lot (maybe she doesn't like black snails?).  
Gary, though, he is my favorite.  He's alllll over my tank!  He even comes up to the top of the tank to be fed when I feed the fish.  Feeding such a small creature is relaxing for me.  His little mouth opens and closes as I put food into it. He crawls halfway out of the water so he can get more food without being disturbed by the fish.  Ahh...Gary...The love I have for snails is something I think I can only understand.

New Things and Such

Every time I begin to write a blog I feel like I need to write up a detailed outline.  If I don't I usually forget important details and end up revising my posts three or four times after I publish it.  But, seemings how I just wrote an outline for a presentation for my adult development class, I don't really want to make an outline this time around.

EAGALA was a week ago.  I know I'm going to miss a lot of the things that happened, but I'll try to recall the three days as well as I can.
Day 1: I freaked out.  Yup.  Totally freaked out.  After the day was done I got in my car and wanted to rip my hair out and cry.  Sure, it was a panic attack, but that's besides the point.  I got to the clinic early, expecting to start up some conversation with other equine specialists and mental health prospects. Needless to say no one talked to me the ENTIRE day.  I tried talking to people, but everyone would respond with empty sentences or disinterest.  I was really disappointed.  Because I was feeling uninvolved I decided to volunteer to work at liberty with one of the eight horses available at the clinic along with two other people.  The horse I chose was pretty confident in himself and had a hard time standing still.  Since I was doing this with only my hands and a completely strange horse, I was hesitant.  At one point I ended up making physical contact with my knee when the horse tried walking over the top of me.  The group of 60 observers had a definite reaction to that.  Some laughed, some gasped.  The clinic instructors asked me afterwords if I'd mind working with the horses again after the lunch break.  I agreed.  
After lunch (which I spent alone -.- ) I got back out with the horses.  Instead of working with just one horse I decided to work with five of the six, each for about five minutes.  The original horse I chose when I first volunteered showed signs of jealousy so I used that to my advantage.  By the end of the 20 minutes the original horse I worked with was following me around and holding still.  We were as good of friends as two strangers could be.  After I was done with the horses I spent the next 30 minutes being berated by people's "objective" observations.  Now, "objective" is in quotations because people were not being objective whatsoever.  They were interjecting their personal opinions about what they were observing, which is NOT what they were supposed to be doing.  They were supposed to be asking unbiased, objective questions about my experience.  I had to defend myself; something which I shouldn't have had to do.  Anyway, between the combination of people being antisocial and being attacked for my horsemanship, I kind of had a freak out after I had some private time.  I wanted to go home.

 Day 2: The second day of EAGALA was sooo much better.  Again, I got there early, only this time I didn't expect anyone to talk to me.  I was wrong.  People began talking to me immediately and I wasn't left alone for the remainder of the day.  People were saying how neat it was to watch what I was doing with the horses, and asking about why I was doing what I was doing.  They were also giving me compliments on my performance from the day before.  I was shocked.  I realized that a lot of the people there had never heard of or seen natural horsemanship before.  They didn't know what to think about it.  I had many people tell me they spent the night thinking about me and what I was doing.  I didn't quite know what to think about that, but then I understood that they needed time to process what they saw.  I felt a million times better.  I ate lunch with three different groups of people and exchanged contact information with countless others.  I was getting better at my own objectivity (something that's very difficult because we, as humans, are so used to automatically judging).  I was realizing I was at this training for more personal reasons that professional reasons.  I was okay with that, even though it kind of cost a lot of money.

Day 3: The third day was just as good as the second.  More people came up to me and complimented me and asked me questions.  I was humble in my answers and tried not to say more than I knew.  I made two really unique connections on the second and third day.  A group of Indians from Canada were at the clinic.  They actually ended up inviting me to their village to spend time with their tribe and learn about the spirituality of the horse.  They even offered to pay for me to go!  I am looking forward to possibly taking up this opportunity in the summer.  The second connection made was a guy out of Texas.  He owns and operates a 700 acre ranch that is used as a rehabilitation and prevention place for boys ages 11-17 who are offenders.  He also invited me down to visit for a week or two, all expenses paid.  I will being going during the summer no doubt.  He is expanding his business and will need at least one more equine specialist in the next two years.  I could be one of them he told me.  Sooooo, I'm pretty much stoked.  :)

Those are all the main things that happened.  I could mention the little (well, kind of big) stuff like how some of the horses felt so comfortable they would lay down in the middle of our group circle, or fall asleep in between the rows of filled chairs, but if I included those things this blog would turn into a never ending story of horse behavior!  I am looking forward to finishing up my certification in April.

So now that that's out of the way I can get into the other parts of my life.  Adammmm.  Mmmm ;)  Hah...yeah, he's fantastic.  I was experiencing a lot of anxiety concerning his and my relationship, but I figured out why.  I feel emotionally safe.  I don't have to constantly worry about what he's doing, or what he's going to do.  What a feeling!  I feel like he isn't going to hurt me in any way, on purpose or on accident.  It is a strange sensation feeling so safe, and that's whats caused me anxiety.  It is very interesting to examine on a psychological level.  He takes care of me emotionally, and I am so thankful.  It's a nice change from what I'm used to.  He makes me so happy!  I so so so so wish we could see each other more often, but as of now that isn't possible.

I went back to the doctor for a check-up.  I've been experiencing a lot more anxiety and panic-like symptoms than before, but my depression has resided once more.  I've also been having nightmares on a nightly basis that are inhibiting productive sleep.  My doctor gave me some sedatives to take when I feel like my brain is going to race out of my skull (uncontrollable racing thoughts basically), but as far as the dreams go she thinks it's anxiety related.  I also told her about my leg issues and how I've been tested for numerous nerve problems.  She thinks it's coming from a circulation complication than nerves.  She gave me a blood pressure medication that specifically opens up the blood vessels to the legs.  It will either work or it won't, but it's worth a shot. The sucky part is that it makes me incredibly light headed.  If it increases the sensitivity to my legs, however, it's worth it.

Oh, and I've gotten A's on my exams so far this semester.  It's such an improvement compared to the 76% average I was getting last semester.  I feel pretty good about it :)  Now to only get an A on my exam that I have tomorrow! Wish me luck!

My favorite view driving to and from St. George, UT

PS) I may or may not have gotten my belly button peirced...