I'm starting this semester how I ended the last one--single. I've honestly never had a boyfriend for just the summer. Everything with him was effortless. That's what made it so special. That's the way it should be. I have never shared such unique beliefs about my life as I did with him. It made me realize I should never, ever have to settle for someone. I feel this was shorted lived. It was too short. This wasn't supposed to happen...but I digress...Everything happens for a reason. That has proven true time and time again for me.
Who knows, maybe this isn't the end, but just the beginning. Although I am really sad, I can't help but remain optimist. That guy is still out there, waiting and meditating until I arrive and trip over him or something clumsy like that.
Buddhism really taught me to love without expecting to be loved in return. I remind myself of that every day. Everything that I do for others, humans and animals alike, is never conducted with the thought of getting something satisfying back. No. That's not why I do what I do. I do it simply because it makes me happy to see the things I care about thrive in happiness and comfort. I live my life out of appreciate and passion for others. It is never about what someone or something should do in return. There are so many good reasons to feel love, and give love, I don't need to expect anything back.
But, alas, I fall hard. I fall deep. I fall knowing that most of the time I am alone in these feelings. I embrace so much in my relationships it is hard to do otherwise. And that's okay, even if it is not reciprocated. Loving is an experience, and what we do with it after it ends is a challenge.
But, alas, I fall hard. I fall deep. I fall knowing that most of the time I am alone in these feelings. I embrace so much in my relationships it is hard to do otherwise. And that's okay, even if it is not reciprocated. Loving is an experience, and what we do with it after it ends is a challenge.
I am, however, struggling with these feelings and my current level of desire. I feel alone. Not physically alone, but mentally. Always expecting something unexpected and great to happen...but it rarely does. I try to keep optimistic, while at the same time reminding myself I can't keep waiting.
And maybe that's my problem. Deep down, I am afraid of being alone, staying alone. I think most people are. I am not a singular person feeling this way. The anxiety proves to be too much for my mind at times. Not always, but at times. And when this happens my world becomes distorted. I ravel into this self-sabotaging behavior and become very disconnected. Call it depression or poor emotional management, but regardless, I've struggled with it for many years.
I know I am a strong person. I know I am successful. I know I am beautiful. I know I am doing the right things. But...There is a part of me that just wants to be, and needs to be, reassured in such a strong and obvious way that I am successful, that I am beautiful, that I am doing the right things. I need to hear these things from those whom I crave to hear it from. That genuine encouragement and recognition is what keeps my head above water most of the time, especially lately. Words of affirmation are important.
This is a weak time for me. I just ended one of the greatest relationships I've been in because my partner did not have enough time for me and I know I deserved more. It's looking like I'll have to be completely self-supporting come next July. School is about to start, and with that comes all the typical college stressors. But, this too shall pass, just like the times before, and the times before that.
It's all about growing and learning. Trial and error. Trial and success!
It's all about growing and learning. Trial and error. Trial and success!
It'll be okay. I'll be okay.
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
Jack Kornfield
And that's the way the cookie crumbles...
