I'm Feelin' It

So...I'm not really sure how to start this.  Do I start fresh and act like I've just started blogging?  Do I recap the last six months?  Do I go into detail?  What do I do? ...My heart is longing to write about the tragedies of losing Buck and Puppy...but I do not think this is the time or place for that.  It is easy for my anxiety and grief to creep up on me when I start writing, but I want my blog to be a place of positive reflection, not anguish and pain.  I'm just going to list major things that have happened.  I think that's a good start.

Ahmi, Buck, and Puppy died within three months of each other.  It basically felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown into the dirt, stepped on, thrown into a fire, and then smothered with a plastic bag.  You don't even want to know what my mind felt like...I've recently decided that I need to start seeing a therapist again to help me cope with the losses.  So far it has helped, so I'm looking forward to making more progress.

My depression is still knocking on my door like an annoying solicitor trying to sell you cleaning products.  The last month has been really challenging for me.  Again, I'm hoping therapy will make it a little easier to tell it to f*ck off for at least the summer.

Josh and I are ENGAGED!  It is a weird sensation.  I look back a year ago and see where I was at.  At the time I had no idea I would be planning a wedding and looking at houses with the love of my life.  I was excited to go to San Diego for spring break with a guy that really didn't mean all that much to me.  This is SO much better!  We are two peas in a pod.  A pod of loooove that is ;)

    

School is...going.  It's a hard semester, beyond what I have going on personally.  The classes are a little more challenging and require a significant amount of dedication.  I'm doing it though.  Day by day.  My to do list is my best friend (besides Josh, 'cause he's my John to my Wayne).

I have submitted proposals to both the National Conference of Family Relations (NCFR) and the Utah Conference of Family Relations (UTCFR).  If I am accepted (which I anticipate I will be because I wrote a killer proposal), I will be presenting my professor's research on societal definitions of religiosity and spirituality.  I feel like it is such an honor that she wants me to present on it.  I am registered as the first author at both conferences.  

Today, I was also invited to present current research on Weber State's elementary education program at Weber State's ERGO conference.  I wrote a portion of this paper, so I am taking a lot of pride in being able to have my name published on it as the first author for this conference.  When the article is published in late Spring 2016, I will be a co-author.  Basically, by the time I hit grad school, I'm going to have a minimum of four publications underneath me.  BOOM.

My uterus pretty much sucks.  It's looking like I have endometriosis.  If you don't know what it is or simply don't have a uterus, imagine this: A burning poker being twisted into your lower abdominal muscles, while at the same time being ripped open and having the organs, muscles, and connective tissues in your pelvic region ripped out of you.  Add some cramps to that and you have endometriosis!  I may have exaggerated on the description a little bit, but it is enough to make me double over and want to vomit.  Having the sexy time is nearly impossible unless I want to end up in a pain induced coma for an hour afterwards.  I need surgery, but our new insurance is really awful, so I have to wait.  Hopefully I'll be able to get it done before the wedding.

I have ponies ;} Three of them, actually.  Spirit is a five year old Shetland buttermilk buckskin gelding.  I got him on a trade for one of Nikki's puppies.  I've done a lot of work with him, and now he'll be going to my favorite riding lesson student's house for her birthday.  They are so stinking cute together. 

Then there is Little Sequoia!  My prize sooty buckskin Gypsy Vanner sport horse mare.  She is going to be three in July.  I'm really excited for her to even out so I can ride her again, but for now we are excelling on the ground.  She is scary smart, and oh so very sweet.  I still think she was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.  When I'm with her, I remember to breathe.  

Atlas is my most recent addition.  I got him on a trade for riding lessons.  He is a 12 year old POA appaloosa gelding.  He came from a pretty neglectful situation, so he is in the process of being rehabilitated.  Physically he isn't the same horse as he was three weeks ago, but mentally he has a ways to go.  All in time.  He's going to make a great lesson horse by mid-summer if I am anticipating our progress correctly.

It's going to be a busy summer for riding lessons.  I've already received numerous phone calls about wanting to start up once school is out.  I just hope I'm going to have enough time and my horses will be capable of handling it.  It's stressful, but this is good stress I think :)

It feels good to write again.  I remember how helpful it was when I was living in Cedar City.  I think if writing helps me, I need to embrace it, and make time for it.  I have a difficult time making time for myself...But I'm working on it.

Right Here. Right Now.

I'm just going to put this out there: I am not ready to talk about the passing of Ahmi, Buck, or Puppy.  I will admit, I am running away from accepting recent happenings.  I can't afford to shake my emotions to the core until the semester is done with.  I have too much going on to lose it now...Just writing this short paragraph makes my insides twist and my eyes swell.  I will write individual blogs commemorating Bucket and Mo, but not anytime soon.  Not now.  Not yet.  I'm not ready.

A lot has gone on in the last three months, but what is new?  Besides the recent deaths, my life has mostly been filled with positivity and opportunity.  First of all, I seriously miss writing blogs.  It gave me a way to filter through my current circumstances and gain recognition from those who care about me.  I have been writing papers or working on some sort of project nearly every day since the semester started.  When I have down time the last thing I want to do is type on my computer more and possibly end up crying because of what I should write about (my Buckaroo and Mo).

I got a job as a research assistant! It was only a three week position, but I made BANK.  I loved that job.  Basically, I conducted PPVT-II (Peabody picture vocabulary test) tests on children ages 3 to 5.  These children come from impoverished minority backgrounds and attend a special preschool program called HeadStart.  It gives parents an opportunity to provide their child with early opportunity and structure that they otherwise would not have due to financial circumstances.  The purpose of the research was to help determine if HeadStart is actually working. It is a longitudinal study that is in it's third year.  I will continue to work for SLCAP (Salt Lake Community Action Partnership) in the future for post-tests and other data collection needs.

I will be getting my name published twice next year--one as an author for an article involving the evaluation of lab-based classroom and community-based classroom preservice teaching programs, and the other will be recognizing my contribution to editing and reviewing a condensed research dissertation.  The first article that will be published I actually directly wrote a portion of.  I was recommended to the early childhood studies department by two professors in the family studies department.  They said I consistently produce high quality work and I had exceptional writing ability and APA knowledge.  Asking to be a part of this article was intimidating.  If the article got accepted or rejected, I would have partial responsibility for the outcome.  I felt a lot of pressure and I was really afraid of not fulfilling my reputation.  Apparently, however, I did a fantastic job.  The professors who are the leads on the article had no feedback to give me on how I could make my portion better.  They asked if I could write a conclusion, but that was all. 
I was then asked by one of my professors to review her condensed dissertation.  It was 35 pages (originally it is over 250...), and every sentence it was very interesting.  She explained to me that she is submitting the article to one of the most recognized journals in the world.  This journal only accepts 27.8% of all submissions.  They invited my professor to submit her dissertation, which is a huge deal!  Again, I felt nervous about being asked to help out with significant research that would be published...but I have a hard time saying no, especially to research.  Let me tell you, it felt so weird making corrections on my professor's dissertation.  SO WEIRD.  After she reviewed my suggestions she thanked me and told me that I would be receiving an outstanding letter of recommendation from her when needed.  She also mentioned that she will be acknowledging me in her article.  Getting my name mentioned twice, one as an author and one for editing recognition, will certainly put me ahead of the rest for grad school.
...I was also invited to present research at the Utah Conference of Undergraduate Research (UCUR), the National Conference of Undergraduate Research (NCUR), AND Weber State University's Research Conference.  Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I can only do the conference at Weber State University next semester.  I'll aim to submit research for UCUR and NCUR next fall.
That's all I'm gonna talk about with school.  I'm kicking ass and getting a fantastic reputation in the department.  There is a lot more that has gone on, but I don't want to write a blog on my bragging rights--I'll save that for the book I write after I get my PhD ;)

I met a guy...but I'm going to have to write a blog just for that.  The relationship certainly deserves its own post.  I have three months of relationship development to catch you up on!

I think this is all I'm gonna write for the night.  I've had "Write your God damn blog!" on my to-do list for nearly a month now.  It started giving me anxiety looking at it every day, so I finally decided to delete it and do it when I was ready to dive back in, ha.  But here I am.  I am back.  I am trying to stay present and keep myself from slipping.  Every night is a struggle.  Every.Night...

I hope that writing my blog again will help keep my mind focused on the positive and current events.  We will see.  I am bound to become emotionally exhausted from holding it all back sooner or later, but I'd rather it happen later than sooner.  Not now.  Not yet.  I'm not ready...

Love, Live, and Let Go

I'm starting this semester how I ended the last one--single. I've honestly never had a boyfriend for just the summer. Everything with him was effortless. That's what made it so special. That's the way it should be.  I have never shared such unique beliefs about my life as I did with him. It made me realize I should never, ever have to settle for someone. I feel this was shorted lived. It was too short. This wasn't supposed to happen...but I digress...Everything happens for a reason. That has proven true time and time again for me.

 

Who knows, maybe this isn't the end, but just the beginning. Although I am really sad, I can't help but remain optimist.  That guy is still out there, waiting and meditating until I arrive and trip over him or something clumsy like that.

 

Buddhism really taught me to love without expecting to be loved in return. I remind myself of that every day. Everything that I do for others, humans and animals alike, is never conducted with the thought of getting something satisfying back. No. That's not why I do what I do. I do it simply because it makes me happy to see the things I care about thrive in happiness and comfort. I live my life out of appreciate and passion for others. It is never about what someone or something should do in return. There are so many good reasons to feel love, and give love, I don't need to expect anything back.

But, alas, I fall hard. I fall deep. I fall knowing that most of the time I am alone in these feelings. I embrace so much in my relationships it is hard to do otherwise. And that's okay, even if it is not reciprocated. Loving is an experience, and what we do with it after it ends is a challenge.

I am, however, struggling with these feelings and my current level of desire. I feel alone. Not physically alone, but mentally.  Always expecting something unexpected and great to happen...but it rarely does. I try to keep optimistic, while at the same time reminding myself I can't keep waiting.

And maybe that's my problem. Deep down, I am afraid of being alone, staying alone. I think most people are.  I am not a singular person feeling this way.  The anxiety proves to be too much for my mind at times. Not always, but at times.  And when this happens my world becomes distorted. I ravel into this self-sabotaging behavior and become very disconnected.  Call it depression or poor emotional management, but regardless, I've struggled with it for many years.

 

I know I am a strong person.  I know I am successful.  I know I am beautiful.  I know I am doing the right things.  But...There is a part of me that just wants to be, and needs to be, reassured in such a strong and obvious way that I am successful, that I am beautiful, that I am doing the right things.  I need to hear these things from those whom I crave to hear it from.  That genuine encouragement and recognition is what keeps my head above water most of the time, especially lately.  Words of affirmation are important.

 

This is a weak time for me.  I just ended one of the greatest relationships I've been in because my partner did not have enough time for me and I know I deserved more.  It's looking like I'll have to be completely self-supporting come next July.  School is about to start, and with that comes all the typical college stressors.  But, this too shall pass, just like the times before, and the times before that.

It's all about growing and learning. Trial and error. Trial and success!

It'll be okay.  I'll be okay.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

Jack Kornfield

And that's the way the cookie crumbles...

Life Is Constantly Changing

My last post was on June 16.  I think I've reached a point in my life where things are so good, I don't need to validate what's happening through writing anymore.  It has done wonders for me in the last year and a half, and I'm going to continue to try to write, but don't be surprised if you only see a few posts here and there about "stuff" and "things".  This is a good thing, I think.  My life seems to be on a fast track to my biggest aspirations. 

So what's all happened in a month?  Loads.  I don't even know where to begin.  I'll hit the high points and spare everyone the details.  If you know me, you know I can talk forever about the little things. 

Raven, my pretty pony!  I had my forth ride on her last Thursday.  I took her to the Golden Spike Eventing Center with my mom and Tango, Andrea and Sugar, and Lindsy with her horse Bear.  I went into this adventure with no expectations.  I just wanted to have fun!  No working on turns or gaits, backing up or going over objects, I was going to have a good time with my new pony and my horsey friends.  I rode Raven in an English saddle and my rope hack.  We started out weaving in and out of the shady trees, checking out strange cross country jumps, and even trotting a little.  Not even thirty minutes later we were jumping over one foot logs at a trot, and then cantering with Tango and Sugar!  That was the first time Raven and I have jumped AND cantered together!  She never broke gait going over the jumps, and she has a splendid collected and extended canter.  It's a dream.  She is a dream.  Ahhh, I have amazing things in store for her and I!

Tarps?  No big deal!

Golden Spike cross country course

First ride EVER!

 

Now, I did fall off of her at the very end.  I was riding her and asking her to do things for a good hour and half beforehand, though.  That's a pretty long time for a two year old horse to listen, pay attention, and obey.  Anyway, she started reaching down and eating the alfalfa in the cross country course.  I was sick of it so I smacked her mouth with my hand on the side that she is half blind.  Needless to say she got spooked and lurched forward with a kick in her step.  I landed behind the saddle, then fell off sideways on the ground.  She broke the reins and trotted off about 25 feet then stopped.  I remember most of it, specifically her back hooves coming at me once I hit the ground.  It was completely my fault that it happened.  I limped over to where she stand.  She stood still while I got back on her and we quietly walked back to the trailer.  It was still a great end to a wonderful day...regardless of my bruised lower back and pelvis (ouch!).

Quick bit on Sequoia.  She has been doing wonderful, too.  She is going to make someone a great little horse.  I've put six rides on her and we are walking, trotting, turning, and rotating on the back with ease.  Nothing phases this little girl...unless you ask her for a canter.  I'm pretty sure it's because of her confirmation right now.  She's pretty lopsided because of her age.  She's a growing girl!  She doesn't like to canter while playing the circle game or being ridden.  Maybe next year when she's more evened out it'll be better for her.  She is sharp on the ground and is very sensitive.  I'm sad she'll be going back to Happy Hollow mid August, but I am very pleased with what I've done accomplished with her.

It's time to reeeelllaax

She doesn't mind standing on strange things!

First ride EVER for Sequoia!

Buck has been hanging in there.  The weather really messes with his arthritis.  We did go on a trail ride to Dimple Dell in Draper last week though!  He felt amazing!  He was cantering up hills, trotting, and he even wanted to be the leader of the other horses!  It was so good to see.  Buck is getting lots of attention still, and he really enjoys the riding lessons...and the mares, of course.

Nighty night time

Buck making friends with the ladies

Hay net? No problem.

Fourth of July on the roof!

Cam Cam the Landscape Man.  Yup.  He's a pretty good...scratch that...incredible person.  He is the hardest, most dedicated working guy I know.  Things with him are just easy.  I don't have to feel embarrassed, afraid, or worried with him.  Everything comes naturally and flows so easily when I'm around him, and when I'm not.  Maybe it's the overdose of dopamine rushing through my brain, but I've fallen pretty hard for this guy.  I can't say where him and I are going to end up, but I'm pretty sure I have a good idea...



On a more medical note, I haven't felt depressed in a good three or four months.  There have been five days during that time when I felt lame for half the day, but I was able to turn myself around.  After doing some research and talking to some doctors, I've learned that it's typically best to stay on the antidepressants for six months to a year after they start working to ensure the chemical imbalance in the brain has changed enough to maintain its current levels.  I guess it makes sense.  This means I won't be getting off of them by September though.  It'll be more like the beginning of next January.  I'm okay with that as long as I feel good and, well, not depressed.  My insomnia or whatever you want to call it is still kicking my ass.  I finally started a sleeping medication (Ambien).  It's a pretty particular medication.  I'm only supposed to take it for 7-10 days in a row, then be off of it for 7-10 days.  I guess the body builds up a tolerance to it quickly if you take it every night for a prolonged period of time.  If I eat two hours before I go to bed, it doesn't work.  So that's making me watch what time I'm eating too, which is a good thing, really.

I still hate my job at Petco, but since I have about $2,000 in debt right now (not including my car), my only option is to keep working.  Petco brings in about $500/month, and my riding lessons bring in a steady $520 (yes, I got new clients...three more, I'm up to five now with more possibly coming in).  But, between my phone bill, car payment, gas, and random expenses, I'm only able to pocket about $500 of that.  Buying three tons of hay certainly hasn't helped my situation, but it's what I have to do for my ponies.  It's what pushed me over actually, $800 of that debt is in hay.  At least I won't have to buy anymore for quite some time!  Since I bought Raven my savings account has been really low, so handing out $500 every month isn't very realistic.  I'm hoping by December to be out of debt and just have my car payment left.

Dimple Dell ride

I haven't gone on any vacations this summer.  I really want to, but I just don't have the funds for it right now.  I'd love to go to Marysvale and go camping for four or five days, and go to Portland to visit with my sister for a week...but I just can't seem to find the money.  It's sad.  I've never been so broke in my life.

But hey, money isn't happiness.  Despite my financial situation I am very, very happy and oh so thankful for everything that has happened in my life.  That's a big change for me.  Finances have always cause me discontent, but recently it's kind of just a "thing" and I know it won't stay like this forever.

Till next time! :)

In Recent News...

A lot sure has changed in a short amount of time.  Most of you know, or at least heard, that I bought a new horse.  It's true, I did.  Although she cost me an arm and a leg just about, she's worth every penny.  Before I dive into the horse stuff, I am going to cover a few other topics first...

I have attained a significant other as of yesterday.  His name is Cameron, and he is an amazing guy.  I am very lucky to have crossed paths with him.  There was never any pressure to be more than friends, something I didn't get with the others.  It allowed me to be entirely myself and be true to who I am and what I want out of life.  
Here are a few things to mention about him:
- He practices Buddhism, like me!
- He is the co-owner of a landscaping company 
- He was born in Arizona and raised in Idaho
- He is 24 years old
- He's 6'8" and he wears every inch very well ;)
- He is really easy to talk to and is very humorous 
Basically, he's great and I can see very good things happening with this gentleman.
During my time dating around I learned a lot about myself.  Some things I didn't like learning about, but it was good I was able to recognize it within myself.  It helped me build a successful friendship with Cameron before we decided to be in a relationship, and for that I am thankful for the guys I was dating that it didn't work out with.

So, horses...These last two weeks have been filled with horses.  I don't remember why, but one day I was looking on KSL for horses and I ran across an ad from a lady in Midvale, Idaho.  She was advertising a Gypsy Vanner x Krugar Mustang filly.  Out of curiosity I went to her website (http:/www.happyhollowranch.com).  She is the largest Gypsy Vanner Sporthorse breeder in the U.S.  I skimmed through her "sale" section and fell in love with the breed.  I gave her a call, and the next thing I knew I was planning a two day trip to her ranch.  Cameron came with me and we stayed at his aunt's.  The next day I worked with the horse I ended up buying on Saturday.  The problem was, however, I couldn't afford the full asking price.  The lady watched me worked with the horses for a bit, and then offered a pretty amazing deal to me.  She asked if I wanted to train and sell horses for her.  I was pretty stunned at first, but immediately became interested.  Long story short, when I went to pick up my horse I also brought home another horse to train and sell.  The contract is $250/month/horse, all care expenses paid by their owner, and I get 10% commission on every sell.  It's pretty amazing.  This is a dream come true for me.

Now, let's talk a little about these horses, shall we?

Raven is my new horse.  Her cross is a Gypsy Vanner x Quarter Horse.  She is 2 years old, and right now she is 15.2 hands.  She is charcoal black with a star and two socks on her hind legs.  After she fully matures she is expected to look like a Fresain (totally stoked...).  She is sensitive, responsive, and friendly.  I just know she is going to be my next huge success!  She hasn't had much work put on her, only about two weeks last summer, but she is a very fast learner.  I hope to be able to sit on her by the end up July.  

Sequoia is 2 years old as well.  She is the same cross as Raven.  She should mature around 15.1 to 15.2.  She is a sooty buckskin with GOBS of hair.  SO MUCH HAIR.  It's impossible to keep brushed, but it's oh so pretty.  When she moves she stays collected and has a beautiful extended trot.  She would make a great Western pleasure horse or dressage horse I think.  Sequoia has only been worked with 3 times, and today was the first day I worked with her.  The first hour was very frustrating.  She struck out at me, reared up twice, stepped on me once, and tried to bite me once as well.  She is sensitive and smart, but she hasn't been asked to do anything and she has an attitude.  Around 5:00 tonight I worked with her again.  This time she was much, much better.  Her right side definitely needs the most attention, as she gets the most uncomfortable on that side.  We played the seven games with pretty good success and ended on a great note (backing through a small gate).  I am excited to see what tomorrow will bring!

I bet you all are wondering what's going on with Bucket.  He's my lesson horse now.  I haven't been able to ride him in nearly three months without causing him immense pain.  It isn't fair to him.  We have had him on medication, had chiropractic work done on him, and have had him adjusted.  It worked for a small amount of time, but it wore off pretty quickly.  The last week he has been able to have access to the front pasture and dry lot continuously and he has been in much better spirits and been moving quite well.  I think he needs movement more than anything, but with how small our property is it isn't realistic.  I am going to make an appointment to get him some acupuncture done and hopefully that will continue to help his pain levels decrease.  He is still getting a lot of attention from me and his spirits are staying high.  He's such a good boy.  I love my Bucket!  He always brings a smile to my face.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I am completely broke, but I love my new horse, my depression and anxiety have been nonexistent for a few months now, I have a great guy on my arm, and I have an amazing opportunity in my pocket.  Life is good.

Till next time, friends.

Over Thinking.

I don't know if this is my problem, but it sure seems like it isn't helping.

I over think.  I over think everything.  It is in my nature.  I always have to ask why and figure out the answers to questions that may not have answers.  Do you know why?  It's quite interesting, really.  It goes beyond me being overly curious and wanting to learn.

It all comes down to protecting myself and being scared of the unknown.  If I know the answers, then I can avoid problems ahead of time, or be more prepared for when something unfavorable does happen.  And every now and then, someone comes along who kicks my intellectual ass and tells me to shut the hell up and just let it be.

Sounds harsh, right? Maybe so, but it is true.  

It's hard to take a step back and realize this is why some of my potential relationships didn't work out.  Impatient, rushing, overly ambitious, no matter what you call it, it's a problem I have.  It took two guys I thoroughly enjoyed for me to realize this, and unfortunately it was at the cost of something great.  I guess everyone comes into your life for a reason, and they had to be the ones I learned this from.  It freaking sucks.  The idea of "letting it be" is uncomfortable for me...but it's something I'm going to have to learn to accept quickly.  I am too smart to be ruining relationships because I lack the basic principles of taking things slowly.  I know why I am like this, but I'm not going to go into it.  What's important is it's a problem of mine and it needs to change, now. 

I've said that I'm not in a rush to be a in a relationship, and part of me believed that for a while, but it's not completely true.  Sure, I could be in a relationship with someone at any given time, but I would not enjoy it.  I am in a rush to find someone, and I shouldn't be.  I shouldn't be.  I have found people, and I have also found myself chasing them away.

Here's to taking things slowly...

Exposed.

So this is my version of going naked on the internet.  I am completely exposing myself and my feelings in this blog.  I'm sure those who are reading this will do either one of three things: 
1) Tell me something comforting
2) Relate to what I'm saying
3) Ignore it and think I need to talk to my therapist again
I recommend you do not do the first item...Kind words will not help me, unfortunately.

My mind has been interesting lately.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  It's hard to put it into words.  Indifferent?  Bored?  Undecided?  Depressed?  Lonely?  Calm?  Uncaring?  Melancholy?  Numb?  Purposeless?  Confused?  Tired?  I think it may be a little bit of all those things.

I feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm not working towards anything or going anywhere.  I've never felt this way before.  It's possible for me to find temporary joy in people and things, but when I get alone with myself I feel empty.  It doesn't make sense to me, so I doubt it makes sense to you, but that's what I'm experiencing. 

I'm starting to realize I want to share my life with someone.  There is an empty space within me that is only filled when I am with someone I find special.  Unfortunately, it seems that the people I am most interested in are the most difficult to build a relationship with it.  Not because of their character, but because of time.  And that, out of everything else, makes me feel like I am reaching for something I will never have.  I feel like I should stop trying.  I commit myself so heavily to people I find special it gives me a terrible feeling when the effort is not reciprocated enough to make it worth while.  I don't expect anyone to give the same amount as I do, but I do expect to receive enough to feel confident in my efforts of pursuing something more serious.  I'm all about reciprocity, and yet it seems that is the biggest thing lacking in my life and in my relationships.  People always ask why I like animals so much.  Want to know the real reason?  Because if I take care of and love animals, they will always return the favor in one way or another.

It takes two to tango, and it seems I'm the only one dancing with purpose.  I am looking...more like searching, for someone that can see me for who I am.  Someone that can embrace similarities and differences.  Someone that is willing to sacrifice and compromise when something has to give.  Someone that will not only tolerate, but enjoy my quirks.  Someone that will be my companion.  Someone that will find pleasure in seeing me do what I love.  Someone that will support my endeavors and dreams.  Someone that cherishes my intelligence and has a desire to grow with me.  Someone that will comfort me during difficult times, and laugh with me during happy times.  Someone that has a truck and is willing to learn how to ride a horse!

Totally kidding about that last one, I felt I had to break the serious talk for a moment.  My horse friends will understand, haha!  Anyway, this is a serious blog!

I want to feel loved.  I want to feel passion.  I want to feel unique.  I want to feel important.  I want to feel thought of.  I want to feel missed.  And I want to feel these things from a person I feel the same for.  I know many people feel many things for me, but it is different coming from a person you desire to be with.  I know you can understand what I am trying to say.

This does not go to say that I am not satisfied with my life, because I am, very much so.  I love my life and what I am doing in this moment.  I am doing well on my own and I am learning and growing rapidly.  Something is missing though.  I can physically feel that something is out of place in my life, and it is scary.  It is disheartening.  It is empty.

Or, maybe I should just get another cat.