I have been debating writing a year-in-review blog for 2017. It was a rough year. Part of me wants to forget it happened, but the other part recognizes that writing it out will validate my experiences and give me a push to move forward into 2018.
I've thought a lot about how I want the tone of this entry to sound, and I've come to the conclusion that while I could try to make it seem like I'm this super positive individual, the fact of the matter is there was a lot of shit that happened. I'm not about to pretend it didn't happen, or that I'm perfectly okay with what happened.
So here it goes. I am writing this for me, not anyone else. Read all of it, read parts of it, don't read it at all. It's not for you.
I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease in March. Learning to live with Hashimoto's has been, well, a challenge. When we discovered why I was sick and had been sick for so long, everything made sense, but it didn't make things any easier. Accepting you have a serious life-long condition at the age of 23 isn't exactly something I was expecting to do. Thankfully, once I became stable on my medication and supplements, I was no longer suffering from the immediate symptoms of Hashimoto's. Throughout the last 9 months there still have been challenges, but nothing I haven't been able to handle. Here is to hopefully staying stable in the new year, and for many years beyond 2018.
Luckily for me I had been active at the gym for almost a year when I was diagnosed. I participated in personal training and did HIIT and trail running 6 days a week. I was running farther and lifting heavier than I ever thought I could. My new healthy lifestyle has really contributed to the stability in my health and it's something I do not take for granted. I love the life of fitness now (something I never thought I'd say!). I ran my first Spartan Super in August, and while I had some physical challenges beyond my control (from the nerve damage in my left arm), I felt strong and capable the entire duration of the race. I'm actually doing my Trifecta in 2018! Eek!
In March I also met a guy that quickly became my best friend...Unfortunately for me, that relationship turned extremely toxic. I wasn't strong enough to pull away from it, and I felt like I was betraying myself and my self-worth by staying involved with him, but he was such a close friend it became quite convoluted. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was asking what the Hell I was doing with him...all of you tried to help, but I didn't want to be helped. I recognized what was going on, but lacked the strength to stop it. I have been in quite a few less-than-perfect and manipulative relationships, but this person took parts of me I didn't know I could lose. Despite the toxicity of this man over the last 9 months, he showed me a lot of things I would never have done myself, like shooting and rappelling.
Shooting has become a big part of my life. It's a hobby I never thought I would participate in or even give a second glance at. But here I am! I have 3 pistols and a soon-to-be rifle that will be built early next year. I went to 3 shooting matches, each with different outcomes, and I learned unique things at each match. I also met some really incredible people through shooting. I am beyond grateful to have their support, not just as I develop in the shooting world, but as I tried pulling away from the guy mentioned above. It's good to know so many people have my best interest in mind, sometimes that's what kept my head above water.
I made the incredibly hard decision to sell my heart horse, Sequoia, and eventually get out of horses altogether. She became too dangerous, and I became too afraid of her to be productive with her. Letting her go was painful, and I still remember the feeling of soulful electricity when I was with her, but it didn't take long to realize getting rid of her probably kept me from getting killed by her. She went to a horse trainer, a man who horse whispered, who ended up breaking through to her. She is now his go-to horse. I got a horse in trade for Sequoia; an older mare who I fondly called Indie. She reminded me a lot of Buck...but I came to a difficult conclusion that my passion for horses and horse training was dead. Sequoia had sucked it from me. I was tired. I was ready to move on to something new. Shooting just so happened to come in around the same time, but it hasn't been able to replace the hole in my heart where horses used to be. Thankfully I still get to see Indie on a weekly basis, as I give lessons to the daughter of the man who bought her. It is a regular reminder that horses still play a significant role in my life, and one day I will get back to what I love, but not anytime soon. I think about my life with horses daily, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's relieving. I don't know when I'll own another one, but I know I will again, eventually.
My depression resurfaced around September. This was something that was almost harder to accept than Hashimoto's if I'm being honest about it. I was off my anti-depressants for nearly a year, after being on them for 5 years. I was proud of doing so well off of them, and I'm struggling with that pride in possibly needing to get back on them. I didn't know it at the time, but depression and anxiety ore two of the most common symptoms of Hashi's. Even if my labs are stable, that doesn't mean all symptoms cease to exist. It is hard to differentiate if my depression is a symptom of Hashimoto's or something all on its own. Regardless, it is something I'm paying attention to and weighing my options before deciding if anti-depressants will happen in 2018.
I left my position at Cottages of Hope in December. This was another really difficult choice as it was my first career position. My boss really took me under his wing and mentored me closely. I can thank him for where I am now and where I will be in the future professionally. I'm working at Marketstar currently and I love it. It's new, exciting, and demanding, but more importantly, it is a step in the right direction of financial success and personal development.
So that's it! Despite the shit storm, I was high off endorphins for a solid 4 months due to being so active and establishing positive relationships. Once the endorphins slowed down and I came back to reality, and I saw clearly the things I went through and the decisions I had made, good and bad. Ultimately though, every single decision made was because I was seeking happiness, even if it were temporary. Even the best decisions came with negative outcomes in one way or another, but in the long run they will either steer me in the right direction for the future or they kept me from doing more harm to myself--both of which are invaluable.
It's a bold statement, but I think I regressed in 2017. It was a heavy year. I felt like parts of my existence were taken from me, whether it was by choice or otherwise. 2018 will be a year of growth, taking the things that had happened to me in 2017 and turning them into positive learning experiences. I have no expectations, but I do hope to rediscover my soul, my true happiness.
Here is to moving forward, growing, and taking all of life lessons as an opportunity to become better
Cheers.
