All I Want To Do...

I really dislike school.

All I want to do is play with horses!

Do you know why? Because I'm good at it.

I have so many opportunities available to me right now that involve horses I feel like a fool to walk away from them or put them on hold.  Teaching elementary aged children will be enjoyable, but it isn't what I want to do.  I want to work with horses!  I want to give lessons, be EAGALA certified (equine specialist), be instructor certified, and maybe train some horses.  Sigh.  But it isn't "practical." 

Bucket!  What an incredible horse.  What an incredible journey, for both of us!  I'm starting to put a new video together of our progress.  It's a lot sooner than I thought it would be, which is a great thing! I didn't anticipate getting this far with Buck in such a short amount of time, but he has really surprised me (in a good way).  I feel completely safe with him.  He and I truly have a partnership, and I love testing it.  Of course I am safe about "testing the limits", don't get me wrong.  If something were to happen that resulted in mine or Buck's injury, it would be my fault.  I say this with such confidence because if something were to happen, I would be the one that put us in a situation that we were not prepared for.  

My neighbors really dislike watching what Buck and I do.  They think I'm being reckless and irresponsible by not using a bridle or saddle.  I can understand why they feel the way they do.  I mean, they are the "traditional" type folks and don't know too much about horses in general, but they should be able to see the relationship Buck and I have.  It is pretty obvious.  When a girl can canter her horse in an open field with nothing on him but a string around his neck, bring him to a stop with ease, turn him any which way, and then have the horse fall asleep while having a conversation with strangers, that shows something pretty incredible.  But hey, maybe I'm wrong ;)

 

I feel a lack of direction.  I don't know where I am going, which is intimidating for me.  I know I will be in school for the next two and half years finishing my degree, but what happens after that? I know I don't need to be that far prepared, but I've always had a plan, always.  I guess I just need to start being familiar with the idea that life is, in fact, unpredictable.  Crazy concept right there.  I was thinking about where I would be the most comfortable, and I'm a little torn.  I really enjoy living in Utah.  I love the horsey people I have connections with, the land is amazing, and it has a good economy.  However, the LDS population makes me pretty hesitant to raise a family there that is not LDS.  I know the struggles I had growing up because I wasn't part of the Church, and my mom validates those struggles with her own experiences.  I also want to be close to family.  I will follow my parents, but I don't think they'd be happy living in Utah.  I just don't know!  I'm going to have to wait to figure this out.  All I can do for right now is gather as much information as possible about areas that interest me in the states I'd consider living in.

I've had a decent Thanksgiving break so far.  A lot of people that I'm not used to seeing.  I met two cousin's for the first time...we didn't say a word to each other, ha.  It's like, we haven't know each other for so long, why start now?  It's not like we are going to see each other any more than we already have.  Seeing my grandma, grandpa, aunt, and uncle has been nice though.  I'll be seeing my sister and Jonathan today, which I'm super stoked about.  Then heading home on Sunday!  

My antidepressants are still working (YES!).  A few side affects have appeared though.  My blood pressure is low due to the medication, so I need to increase my sodium intake and take precautions when doing physical activity.  I've also been having really vivid dreams.  I looked it up because I used to never dream and now for the last week or so I've been having super intense dreams that are mostly unpleasant.  Anyway, it's called REM suppression and it is pretty common with antidepressants.  The dreams suck for the most part, but so far they haven't been anything too terrifying so I'm dealing.  They don't cause any harm besides some emotional disturbance...and annoyance. Ha.

Well, tallyho! Time to have breakfast and then get on the road, AGAIN.

Smiley Faces All The Way Around!

Things have been sooo much better since I went to the doctor!  My anxiety has plummeted and my concentration (most days) is spot on.  Although not much time has passed, I think the medication has really done a lot for me.

For the first three nights when I started Lexapro (the anti depressant) I stayed up for about 72 hours straight.  I felt like I was going to die.  I could not sleep for the life of me.  I ended up calling my doctor because I had a feeling it was due to the medication.  Sure enough, it was!  I was taking 10 mg of Lexapro before bed.  10 mg was way too much for my brain and as a result it completely stopped making serotonin.  Serotonin is responsible for sleep, as well as depression.  So my doctor told me to cut my pill in half and take 5 mg in the morning instead.  I've been getting about seven hours of sleep a night, whereas before I was getting between four and five and half.  I'm now waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, but I am okay with that.  It is so much better than waking up several times at night and being unable to go through my sleep cycles like I should be able to.  I've also not been needing to take naps anymore.  I have enough energy to last the entire day and keep my focus on what it needs to be.  So cool! AMAZING! I LOVE IT!

My anxiety is the thing I have noticed the most.  I haven't felt overwhelmed, crazy, or worry-ridden for about a week.  Nothing has changed as far as what's going on in my life: school, family, financial issues, etc., so I think it is pretty awesome what it has done for me so far.  I feel like I can breathe again!  What a feeling!  I want to get out of bed and I want to do things :) :) :)  It's just awesome.

I did meet with a therapist at BHI to start working through my baggage.  It was just a consultation--finding out where I'm at, why I decided to get help, and what I want to work on.  My next appointment is December 12, but hopefully I'll be called in sooner if someone cancels.  I am looking forward to the benefits of therapy in combination with the medication.  I'm going to be on top of the world!

On Sunday I hauled a bunch of hay.  Like, A LOT of hay!  It was really fun though and I enjoyed it immensely.  The company is always something that makes it worth while.  I am so very thankful to be surrounded by the supporting adults in my life.  Craig and Connie, in specific, have really opened their arms in caring about my worries and are giving me the means to let go of some of them.  They always tell me to bring Buck over and spend time "horsing around."  I need that encouragement so I make sure I am making time for myself and the things I love doing.  They've also offered some odds jobs to me to make a bit of money on the side.  It will help so much.  Having an income, even if it is unsteady and small, will help pay for things like like cat food and litter, gas, oil changes, shampoo, self-help books, and so on, without having to dip into my savings too much.  Part of me wants to stay in Utah after I get my degree just so I can continue to be a part of this wonderful group of people I consider my family.

Sometimes life gives you more than you can handle.  In my case, my amygdala really wasn't okay with that!  But everything works out in one way or another.  In my case, getting on medication wasn't my ideal solution, but it has certainly helped.  I am very thankful to have the resources I have in order to get the help I've wanted.  I cannot say enough how much I am looking forward to my life in the next couple months.  I'm even feeling better about being up at Weber everyday next semester.  Now that is really saying something!

Things Will Be Better.

Warning:  This is a long blog post that is filled with interesting things.

On Tuesday I had my appointment with the education adviser to discuss my program.  I'll skip the details, but instead of doing the K-6 concentration I will be doing the 1-8 concentration with a minor in psychology.  This will cut my degree time down by a full year.  Although the psychology minor will not give me any special bonuses on my salary (unlike a mathematics minor), I will get a lot of personal growth and information out of this minor that will help me understand and teach children better.  Next semester I am taking 18 credits, but I am tentatively going to drop one.  It depends on the course work for each class.  I have three at campus and three online.  12 of the credits are psychology course work and the other 6 are elementary education classes.  Next semester will be hard, there is no doubt about that.  Hopefully I'll be able to manage my time better and enjoy the classes I am taking (unlike this semester).  After next semester I will be on track with my degree! YAY!

So I went to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss how I've been feeling recently.  I took a couple tests, talked a lot, cried...ha...I learned a lot of really interesting things pertaining to PTSD and its affects stress has on the brain.  Here it is in a nutshell:
So when something happens in our lives, such as something traumatic or extremely stressful, we, as humans, learn to cope.  More specifically speaking, however, a human's natural way of coping is to put that event into a place hidden away.  My doctor used a fantastic metaphor to describe what I am going through.  The stressful event is like a dragon.  What do we do with dragons?  We put them in the dungeon, of course!  And for a while the dungeon holds the dragon and we think we have "conquered" this terrible beast.  The dragon gets stronger though as it waits.  Eventually the dragon starts breaking through the dungeon, so we add more spikes, concrete, and chains.  Again we think we have handled the dragon and we can move on.  Unfortunately, this is rarely the case.  It could take years, but the dragon will once again become too strong for our dungeon and he will come out and try to take us down.  Only now he is very angry for being locked away for so long and the repercussions are more severe.

With that being said and after talking to my doctor, it is safe to say that Foxy's death is the dragon in my life, as well as the trigger for my reaction to other stressers I encounter.  I thought I was strong and took care of it, and I did...for the time being.  But as more and more stressful things happened it became harder and harder to keep my dragon in its dungeon, and now he is almost free.

Interesting thing about the brain...when we do not handle stress effectively for a long period of time (usually due to a stressful/traumatic situation that triggered poor stress management), our brain adapts in order to function at the highest possible level.  Basically what ends up happening is a neural pathway is created in our brain that handles all of the stress in our lives, no matter how big or small the stressor may be.  This is when people begin having anxiety.  My depression from Foxy's death had adapted into a generalized anxiety disorder.  My brain is thinking that any stress is a "life threatening" situation and I need to either flight or fight in order to survive.  Therefore, as this neural pathway was created, which was triggered by Foxy's death, it was being used more frequently with smaller stressors, like school, relationships, etc.  It is now the major neural pathway in my brain for handling stress, which is why I am experiencing the panic, irrational thoughts, bad sleep, poor concentration, and so forth.

My doctor prescribed me a mild anti-depressant, which also acts as an anti-anxiety medication.  It is a selective serotonin uptake inhibitor.  I should begin noticing a difference in about a week, and know if I like it within three.  She also prescribed me to speak with a social worker to help understand what I am experiencing and discuss proper stress management techniques for PTSD-like symptoms.  I am meeting with my doctor on November 18 as a follow-up on the medication and therapy.  She said this process will take anywhere from six months to a year, depending on how well my brain is able to block off the new neural pathway and start sending neurons to the correct places in the brain instead.  No matter how long it takes, I am excited to feel better.  Things make sense now.  I have been strong so far, but I've learned it's okay to admit that I cannot be strong all the time. 

Buck's beautiful (and noisy) costume.

Halloween!  I dressed Bucket up as a sleigh horse.  Not very scary, I know, but some horses would beg to differ!  He had a ton of bells on his hooves, a wreath with bells around his neck, bells on his halter, and a lovely blanket my mom made.  The sound from the bells didn't affect Buck all too much.  At first he didn't want to move at all because he knew that when he did he'd make a ton of noise.  He eventually got used to it though and ended up enjoying it a lot.

Here are pictures to describe the evening.  They speak better than words.

Buck Not Having Fun.

Buck Having Fun.

Happy, happy horse. My horse!

We also did a little bit of yoga!  That's right--horse yoga!  It was pretty cool and it loosened my muscles better than any stretching I have done before.  Buck really relaxed, too.  He completely let his tail go limp and allowed me to pull it straight up so it was at a 90 degree angle with his spine.  Pretty cool stuff.  This is something him and I are going to do more of because of the immediate benefit we both receive.
Here is a series of pictures.  If you're thinking about trying this with your own horse, it's important to note that the tail is brought up slowly.  You'll know when the horse relaxes and gives you his tail.  Don't force anything.  The horse will tell you what he wants.