I Suck at Titling Things

So a few recent events:
My guppies had babies again.  Last time I managed to kill all six of them, but now that I have six more, I am determined to keep them alive!

Buck does not know how to gallop.  What kind of horse doesn't know how to gallop?  It's ridiculous!  I have never seen him go faster than a canter, and when I give him the reins and tell him to book it, he just does a faster canter that nearly throws me off.  Sigh.  He pulls with his shoulders and doesn't push with his hips. That's the problem.

I have to go to Weber State every day starting next semester until my degree is complete.  That's right!  Monday through Friday for the next two and a half years.  Do you know how much gas that is going to be?  I now understand why people live on campus or within a few blocks of campus.  So.Much.Gas.  I will need to get some sort of income flowing or I will be in some serious trouble.

So I have come to realize I have an anxiety problem.  I admit I have let it get to this level but pushing things into dark places, trying to hide them from time and my own sadness.  Well, that method didn't quite work.  I get extremely stressed out over things that I shouldn't.  I have a very hard time concentrating on what I need to do, and my decision making skills aren't as good as they used to be.  I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest 24/7, unless I am with Buck.  It's just not good.  I'm constantly tired and I feel like I'm struggling to keep up the things I've done my whole life or for many years, like staying full time in college or keeping my room clean.  I cry at night because I feel like there is so much to worry about, even though there really isn't.  It's like a part of my brain is missing and I can't reason with my feelings.  I've been having flashbacks about Foxy's death again and that really scares me.  Why would they come back after a year and a half after the accident?  It's been several months since I've had one.  Everything is just overwhelming, and yes, I have decided to go to the doctor about it.  
When I went in the middle of June to figure out what was going on with my health, my doctor said I needed to go back if things did not change.  I've stopped losing weight (I think), but everything else is the same.  I need to go back, as hard as that is for me to do (pride thing. I should be able to handle this!).  I don't know...I feel terrible.  I don't want my family to think I am weak or complaining, especially my dad. This is just something I feel that I cannot fix on my own and I need another person's help with.  I just wish I had the willpower to do it by myself, but I don't.  How I feel is just going to keep getting worse and worse, and then I'm going to hit my breaking point and who knows what will happen.  I want to cry.

That was depressing, ha.  Sometimes I hate admitting myself to the truth of things.

Right now I have three A's and one A- in my classes this semester.  It would be really cool if I could get a 4.0, or at least close to one.  I'm looking forward to doing my best next semester, too.  Since I'll be up there all day every day I should be able to focus a lot of energy into my studies.  I'm planning on going to the gym at least one day a week as well.  I know one day a week sounds like nothing, but for me it's pretty significant.  I hate working out.  I hate everything about it. Sweating, increased heart rate, repetitiveness, comparison....It just sucks. BUT! I will do it.  I can manage one day a week.  Who knows, I may even end up liking it for some reason next semester...

 

I really miss Africa.  Like really, really, REALLY bad.  I look at the pictures and reminisce on all the experiences I had over there.  Sigh.  I will be back one day, I just don't have the slightest idea as to when.  I almost feel a little homesick about it.  Strange, right?  I wish I could go back, even just for a day or two (but the 22 hours of flying time totally wouldn't be worth it for only two days).  Bleh.  I love Africa more than I did before I went.  I thought I accomplished my dream of going there and thought I didn't have another huge dream to look forward to, but I was wrong.  My new big dream is to go to Africa...again!

I broke up with Evan last Sunday.  I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to be in a committed relationship right now.  I jumped into the relationship too soon and didn't process my feelings over mine and Logan's break up, either.  It wasn't fair for either of us, so it is better this way.  He's a super nice guy, it just wasn't working out on my end.

My hair is getting longer!  Here is an updated picture.  I did mention I'm growing my hair out again, right?  For real this time too!

Clinics, Dissections, and Trail Rides

I participated in another horse clinic with Jennie and Larry from Pie Town, NM.  There was a lot of new people at this clinic, which is fantastic!  Jennie decided to start with the basics because of the amount of new people and horses we had.  I was a little disappointed at first, but I was excited to spend it with Buck regardless.

One of the coolest things happened!  Buck and I were practicing rotating on the front for a good while, then I decided to just start loving on him.  I got onto the ground in front of him and brought it attention towards me.  A cat came out of the nearby pasture and planted herself on my lap shortly after.  I was completely engulfed in that moment.  I had a beautiful relationship with my horse and now there was a cat snuggling me on my lap.  Buck's head remained low, looking at me and sniffing the small feline.  I stroked his jaw and smiled happily.  It was a picture perfect moment.

Shortly after the cat left, Buck began inching his way closer to me.  It is pretty intimidating having a 1200 pound animal hovering above you, and wanting to move in closer...but I trusted him.  I turned around and leaned against his front legs.  Buck's neck was level with his back, putting his head in a relaxed position above me.  Then, by complete surprise, Buck lifted his front right leg and put it over my shoulder.  He rested it there, applying no pressure or intention.  It felt like he was hugging me.  He kept it there for about two minutes then pulled it back, causing my shoulder to squeeze in between his front legs (ouch!).  Jennie instructed the group to begin lowering our horse's heads by applying pressure (or none at all) in between their ears.  Buck and I already had a head start on this obviously, so I practiced it with a little more intent for 10 minutes, then began making him feel good.  I sat back on the ground and began stretching his front legs over me.  I'd pick up his hoof (which he was more than willing to give) and hold it high above my head.  He relaxed completely and let the muscles loosen.  I moved to his back legs (which I did standing up) and began stretching those.  At first he would let me pick up whichever leg I wanted, but he eventually ended up telling me what leg he wanted me to touch.  For example, I'd go to pick up his back right, and he would press it hard against the ground, only to pick up his back left.  So I would go to his back left and he would help me stretch it, then put it down gently.

During the next clinic day we practiced the circle game and getting our horses to focus on one object.  I got Buck to touch his nose to a paper plate 22 feet away.  I thought that was pretty neat!  While playing the circle game, we asked our horses to jump over some barrels.  Buck was a wrecking ball.  He would quite literally just plow through them without picking up any of his hooves at an attempt to jump.  We eventually did it with some extra energy and practice, but it's something him and I will need to work on.

I shared the video I made of Buck and I to the group that was with us on Sunday.  I didn't mean to make people cry, but I think about five or so people did.  It made me feel so good, and proud of Buck.  The video was about how far he has came and it was so nice to see people responding to that.  I hope it gives the people who are new to natural horsemanship the motivation, courage, and dedication to do everything they can with their own horse. 

The amazing Tomas Teskey came back for a few days and did another hoof dissection.  It was awesome, as always.  I learned a lot of cool things, some of which are:
 

Steal horse shoes wear faster than a hoof because it is abrasive.  A horse hoof yields and conforms to the ground.  Some claim that they ride their horse so much that they have to use shoes or the horse's hoof would disappear...wrong.  A horse hoof regenerates fairly quickly and builds up natural callus to prevent injury.  



Horses don't feel their sole when they have shoes on either because sensation is reduced.  That is why a horse can be lame, have shoes put on, and then trot off perfectly "fine."  There is a 30% reduction of blood flow to a hoof that has steal placed on it.  If the frog cannot perform how it is supposed to and aid in the flow of blood to the heart, there is a serious problem.  If humans had that much blood flow reduction to the heart, we'd have to have a stint put in!
 
A good pair of boots are a great replacement to steal shoes.  Steal does not allow the frog stay to flex and move how it should, boots, however, allow the frog stay to move how it was meant to--freely.  

Boots may not be easier, but they will be healthier for your horse. 

Perfectly relaxed!

We went on two trail rides these last few days to Antelope Island.  They were the second and third trail rides of the year x.x  The first one was in Pie Town last June, and man, that was exhausting.  Buck was very not okay with it and he let me know.  He whinnied constantly, was hard to calm down, and was just being an idiot, particularly when he couldn't be by his pasture pals.  He was an insecure, untrusting horse.  These last trail rides were completely different though.  He was calm and relaxed!  He was even choosing to walk 40 or so feet behind the other horses at times.  He has learned to trust me and I am so thankful he has been able to see why.  I think Buck takes care of me on the trail and I take care of him.


The relationship Buck and I have has proved to be extraordinary.  He has challenged me, and I have challenged him.  Our relationship is equal.  I consider his feelings, wants and needs, and he takes care of me physically and emotionally (as I to him).

PS) I totally got Buck to balance and then fall asleep on a railroad tie with all four of his hooves. Awesome! 

Negative Nancy And Positive Polly

Holy crap, I've been negative recently, ha.  It's been painful to read my blogs, I know.  I do admit I even thought, "What the hell is my issue?!"  Truth is, a lot has been going on.  And a lot of it has in fact been pretty shitty.  I guess I'm used to most of it now, but some things have improved.

I think my dad read my blog about me saying I don't really know him and he doesn't show interest in what I do.  The night after I wrote that blog he actually came up to my bedroom as soon as he got off work and started talking to me.  It was...strange. Haha.  Then the days following were even stranger!  He has been asking every day how Buck and I are, and if I'm having a good time at the horse clinics, etc.  He is showing a lot of support! I love it!  It makes me so happy I can finally share what I'm doing openly with him.  :)  I hope it keeps up.

This was never a problem, but I freaking love the people I do horse clinics with.  All of them are so supportive!  They all think so highly of Buck and I. I feel so blessed to have these people in my life and encourage me to keep going.  When the time in my life comes when I have to move out of Utah, I hope I can find people to surround myself with that are at least half as great as these people (that's going to be really hard).  Seeing them and the progress they have made with their horses is phenomenal too.  They are just amazing influences.

School sucks...but only eight more weeks! YAY!  I will be staying at Weber State I've decided  and I'm going to load up on credits.  When the schedule opens up to view I'll see if I want to take 18 or 21 credits.  Either way, since I'm not going to be working, I'm gonna work my butt off in school so I can hopefully graduate when I am supposed to....hopefully.  I currently have all A's (one A-), but I feel them slowly slipping.  The second round of exams are coming up and I'm a little nervous.  I didn't do so great on my geography (89%) and human development exams (80%).  The geography one is doable, but I expected to get more like a 93%.  I really gotta try harder on my human development one.  I have to retake the class if I don't at least get a B-.  Yayyy pressure ;)

I'm really on top of my school work.  For a while there I was a couple weeks ahead in all my classes...then I didn't do anything for a while, ha.  Now I have two papers, two exams I need to study for, plus some other miscellaneous homework to do before the 17th.  It's awesome  And, to add something to all that, my grandma Betty is in town (she's been here since the end of October, but will be leaving on the 17th as well), and I've been doing horse clinics pretty often...plus I do have a boyfriend that requires some attention as well.  I think it's safe to say I am keeping myself very busy (almost too busy actually), but it's a good kind of busy.  It's keeping me out of trouble!

My next blog will probably be about the last couple horse clinics.  Tonight I'm going to another hoof and leg dissection performed by my wonderful friend Tomas Teskey.  I'm pretty stoked to learn more about those parts of the horse and maybe pick up on some things I missed in New Mexico.  Anyhoo, time to finish a paper and begin studying so I can be done by 5:00.  Ready.Set.GO!

Pardon My Horse Vent

"You need to have contact with the horse's mouth."  

As I was giving my riding lesson this morning I was watching videos of horses going through their gaits.  It was an English rider instructing on how a horse's gaits work, and how to ride them in the "proper position".  "Maintain contact with the bit," was something that came out of the girl's mouth several times in all of her videos.  She also mentioned how her horse was foaming at the bit because he enjoyed it so much.  What about the rest of the body?  What about your leg contact? Back position? Shoulders?  Her horse was very stiff moving and I saw no fluidity in its movements (at any gait).  Unfortunately, this girl isn't the only person I have seen talking and riding like this.  Although I feel bits are completely unnecessary, and actually a great tool to interfere with a horse, I am not against people using them...as long as they use them properly (and if they use them properly they probably don't even need one!).

"It is important to remember that the bit is only a tool. A bit will not train your horse. Proper training takes time, patience, and repetition. And you need to have the correct tools to communicate what you are asking the horse to do – hands, legs, seat, voice and proper equipment.”

Too many people are stuck in the mind set that a bit will control a horse.  A bit will stop a horse from taking off.  A bit will keep the proper head position.  A bit will keep the horse from bucking.  None of that is true.  If a horse does not want to stop, he won't stop.  If a horse needs to keep his head in a certain position, it's probably not natural for the horse and will cause discomfort.  If a horse wants to buck with you on him, you probably shouldn't be riding him in the first place.  Bit or no bit, a horse that's typically 800 to 1300 pounds could put us in our grave at any minute if he so desired.  

Bit or no bit.

Here is a quote from Pat Parelli (back before he was a sell-out).  He says it perfectly.

“Bits are a mystery to most people. The most common misconception seems to be; the bigger the misbehavior, the bigger the bit you need to correct it. I, on the other hand, teach people why they really don’t even need a bit to control their horses. In most cases it’s a revelation for the person and a relief for the horse. Horses run off or bolt out of fear. Its starts in the mind, goes through the body and down the legs to the feet. Once the horse is this frightened the rider is essentially riding scared feet. Most of the time it doesn’t matter what bit is being used in the horse’s mouth he can’t be stopped. I’ve seen horses with huge shank bits, martingales and nosebands stick their chins on their chests and go! When prey animals get that emotional, and they need to save their lives, they will run through anything, painful or not.”

I think that says enough...

As a side note, a horse does not salivate when a bit is in its mouth because they like it.  They salivate and foam because it is a natural digestive response!  The horse is trying to digest the bit!  

"Riding bareback ruins a horse's spine!"

Does it now?  I can understand a rider who is unbalanced and flopping all over the horse's back on a consistent basis, but in general, is bareback riding really that bad for a horse?  I think it's safe to say saddles that don't fit the horse right cause more problems than someone riding bareback.  One would think that a horse would be able to move more freely and be able to communicate better with the rider bareback (because you can feel back, rump, and shoulder muscles relax and become tense).  It seems like common sense to me.  I won't go into detail about this, but it's interesting the things people come up with even though it's against common sense and basic horse knowledge.

I wish more people would experience what a horse is like naturally.  I think many people would be surprised how the body flexes, stretches, and syncs with the horse's rhythms all on its own, and how the horse responds positively to it.  The relationship that forms between horse and rider when the horse is able to be a horse is something you cannot create through artificial methods, bits and spurs, and unreasonable minds.

Grapefruit.

I've been wanting to write another blog since my last post.  I felt like I ended it on a rather negative note...but this post probably won't be must better.  

Life is stressful.  Simple enough.

I found out that my four year degree is actually going to be more like a five and half year degree.  The education program is stupid.  I have to take three prerequisite courses before I can even begin taking the block classes (There are four block classes.  It takes two years to complete those).  If I would have known I wanted to be an elementary teacher from my first semester in college I would have been on track, but now I have to spend year and a half just waiting to even be admitted into the program because of three courses.  I'm kind of frustrated.  I am currently looking at doing my education degree through Western Governor's University.  It's an all online school, which would be amazing.  No traveling, I could move wherever I wanted, and it's self paced.  After looking at what credits would transfer, however, only about 30 of my 96 credits would mean anything (and that's being optimistic).  It would probably end up taking just as long as if I went to Weber State.  The cost would be about the same, too.  So I'm not sure.  I think staying at Weber would be a bigger inconvenience, but it would be easier.  

Decisions to be made!

My dad makes me sad.  I really want to be closer to him and get to know him more, but it's really difficult.  He seems to completely ignore my mom and I, while a lot of his attention is on Alice (the Chinese girl who lived with us over the summer).  For the first time since May he asked about what Buck and I have been doing.  I thought it was crazy and weird he was interested in it, but it was really nice.  He hasn't even wanted to watch the video I made or see us ride when I ask.  I feel bad for my mom, too.  He seems really distant and resistant to her.  He is just so caught up in himself it's like he's forgotten about his family.  I don't know what to do.  I kind of started not caring as much in March when he very deliberately took down the fence I put around Foxy's grave because, "I need to get over it and it looks bad."  Talk about heartless.  But now his attitude is affecting my mom more visibly and I hate it.  I know that if I tried bringing how I feel up it would only cause stress and probably more issues.  I'm hoping it's just going to work itself out in the best way possible, but it's up to my dad.  

I've decided to stop taking my melatonin supplement.  I started it about two weeks ago, and for the first three nights it really helped, but now it does nothing (again).  The last two nights I upped the dosage to 10 mg.  The first night was so good, but last night wasn't much better than when I was on 5 mg.  I think it's wrong though to have to take that much.  If I have to continually up my dosage, it isn't fixing the problem, it's just masking it.  I want to fix my sleeping issues, not just cover them up.  I'm going to try a natural herd supplement called valerian.  Valerian comes from a flower and it is supposed to aid in getting a restful night's sleep, reducing anxiety, and reducing headaches.  Sound perfect, right?!  Unfortunately there haven't been any significant studies done on Valerian.  Some evidence suggests it does help, while other evidence says it doesn't do anything.  It is supposed to take 6-8 weeks to begin working, too.  I might as well give it a shot.  If I don't try it and this thing is what works for me, I'd be missing out on some wonderful z's.  I'm also going to start taking baths before bed.  I used to do it in Cedar City and I think it helped.  I might as well try to do everything I can before I go to the doctor about it. 

It's interesting to reflect back on these recent days.  I've been on edge with a lot of people because they choose to be lazy and unproductive when there are obviously things they should be doing instead.  Or people who choose to be in a situation that causes them to feel terrible or something.  Truth of the matter is though, no matter how much what I say makes sense and they agree with me, no one will change their behavior and situation unless they want to.  I just hate seeing people put themselves through bad situations, when they could be so much happier if they just said, "Hey, I don't think this is working out." or, "I think I'll find a different job, and go to college like I've been wanting to."  It made me realize I need to do everything I can for myself to get through the emotions I am feeling.  I try to only complain on my blog, and never to my friends over text or in person.  I know it will pass, but on the other hand I think other people need to know that I'm not necessarily mad at them, I'm just upset about what I'm dealing with right now and I wish they would do something better for themselves.  I don't know if that's wishful thinking, but I need to let people make their own mistakes...even if I've seen it happen time and time again.

On a positive note, Buck and I continue to make a lot of progress.  I've now taught him to rotate on the front while I'm on him.  Rotating the back while I'm on him is pretty difficult though, so I think him and I are going to need to take a step back and work on it from the ground again.  I've been fortunate enough to have quite a bit of one-on-one with with Jennie.  It has helped a lot!  We will be participating in this weekend's and next weekend's group clinics over at Craig's with Jennie and Larry.  I'm excited to see everyone and see the progress they have made with their horses.

Here is the video I made from our progress starting in June till now.

Evan and I are doing well!  On Saturday we went to IKEA and bought him a bunch of new stuff for his room, and on Sunday we put it together.  It looks great, and it was fun to do together.  He is a really good guy.  I've wanted to get into wood whittling (old and nerdy, I know, but it's relaxing), so he actually bought me some knives to do it with.  I'm gonna get started on a piece today :)