I guess this is something that I should blog about. What am I going to do in 2014? Well, there won't be any New Year resolutions or fancy plans to change who I am. Here it is in a nut shell. I think this year I'm going to focus mostly on myself. Not
for another person's wants, needs, and desires. It's my year. I dunno
exactly what my master plans are, but I'll figure it out as it comes.
If one thing is for certain, I want to get a control of my emotional stress and triggers. The grounding techniques my therapist has given me has already done wonders concerning flashbacks and trauma-drawn emotions. I am excited to see where my mental state ends up as a result of therapy and the medication. I am hoping to be completely done with both by the end of summer. I am going to go to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for the entire semester. Some days I may not be able to make it because of doctor appointments and other obligations I can't reschedule, but for the most part I'll be there three days a week for at least an hour at a time. The purpose of going to the gym isn't for me to look better (although that is a perk), but more so that I can be in shape and more flexible for the yoga I plan on doing with Buck. Speaking of my Bucket, I'm not sure what I want to do with him this year. Of course we will work on our relationship more and test the limits of trust, but overall I think we are just gonna have do our best and announce it as it happens! I want to get more horse riding lesson clients too! How many people
actually want to take lessons is out of my control, but I am
going to put a lot of energy into advertising and promoting natural
horsemanship for beginners. I hope to take at least 15 credit hours a semester so I can graduate by Spring 2015 with my bachelors of integrated studies. I'm not saying I'm going to resolve to get a 4.0, but that sure would be nice! I'll try my best!
Here is to a new year with new adventures, achievements, struggles, realizations, and knowledge! I have a feeling I won't be disappointed :)
The time has come! I've been putting off this reflection for a while for a few reasons: A) It's going to be a long post. B) It requires a lot of thinking. C) I'm lazy. Let's go through this month by month. January: My hair got cut off completely one day before the semester started. I was going in to get a new short hair style, and came out looking like a boy. It was an accident, ha. Fortunately, people still thought I was pretty. Someone even gave me shampoo because they felt bad! HA! I also met my friend from China, Alice.
February:Logan and I started dating again after breaking up the following December.
March: I learned that Buck was going to be my new horse. I wasn't very happy about it, and I don't think Buck was either. Foxy's one year anniversary of her death was on March 28th. I was still recovering from the accident at this point. I surrounded her grave with a fence in remembrance of how much she meant to me. OJ stayed by her grave for hours afterwards.
April: I completed spring semester with my associates of applied science from Southern Utah University. My graduating GPA was a 3.5. May: I moved back home from Cedar City on May 7th to the Hooper house. On May 18th we moved after 13 wonderful years to a new house in Taylor. I still really miss the old house. I broke up with Logan for the same reason I broke up with him in December. I decided to go into Elementary Education instead of communications. Not because I didn't want to, but because I wouldn't have to be in school for as long. Oh, and I turned 20 but did not celebrate too much.
June: Pie Town, NM! Mine and Buck's relationship was still nonexistent. I think I recall him stepping on me four or five times since March. I saw my first horse leg and hoof dissection. I learned by Foxy broke her leg. Logan gave me an engagement ring, we stopped talking.
July: Logan told me he bought me tickets to go to South Africa back in February, so we started talking again. He and Alice came to Marysvale with my family for the 4th of July. I had to stop donating plasma because my heart rate was at a steady 115 and I had to go to the doctor for it. But, I made a friend with one of the workers there before I stopped going, Cam! Alice, Cam, and I went to the zoo and aquarium. It was a blast!
August:Logan and I went to South Africa for ten days. It was a trip of a lifetime and I will be going back one day. That country is just amazing. We also spent a day in Washington DC and saw the natural history museum. I started college back at Weber State University as a junior. Oh, and Buck and I started riding bridleless!
September: Not a lot happened. I was going full steam ahead in college and working with Buck every day. Buck and I had made significant progress in our relationship by this point. I began going to therapy and started on antidepressants as recommend by my doctor to treat my PTSD, anxiety, and of course, depression.
November: I went to Washington and Oregon for Thanksgiving. It was nice seeing family I haven't seen in years and years, but at the same time it kind of just refueled my anger towards how uninvolved they've been in our lives here in Utah.
December: Graduated with 3 A's and 1 A- for the second semester in a row. I just can't seem to get a 4.0! I am getting a bachelors in integrated studies. My concentrations are psychology, child and family studies, and communications. I will be graduating spring 2015, and will start my masters program the following fall. I cancelled by PRAXIS exam and instead signed up to start getting my equine specialist certification for EAGALA.
This year went by incredibly fast. I learned a lot of valuable lessons and discovered characteristics about myself that are priceless. One of the most important things I learned is to not sell myself short for what I really deserve in life. I have a greater respect for my intelligence, morals and values, talents and desires.
So yeah, we have been having between 0 and 15 degree days at my house. It hasn't kept me inside though, which is surprising. I have always hated the cold. This is the first winter that I have actually been outside nearly every single day. It's all because of Buck, too. Him and I have been going on daily rides. We get to watch the sun set over the snowy fields and spend a lot of time together in the silence. We can hear each other so clearly. He has been feeling good lately. His transitions are flawless. He can go from a walk to a canter in a split second--something that was impossible to do a few short months ago.
The last play day we had Jennie and Larry noticed that Buck was rotating his hind legs out a significant amount at a walk and trot. It was brought to my attention from a vet at the play day that Buck's previous owners had taken them to her and had him evaluated for bone spavins. He tested positive for them. For those of you who don't know what a bone spavin is, it is the final stage of joint degeneration in the hocks. We don't know how long ago he was diagnosed with it and how severe it was when he was tested, so we decided to take him back in. Four x-rays later we were able to determine that Buck has nearly fused the lower 1 and 2 joints in both his hocks. These lower joints are not the primary joints that the hock relies on
for flexing. He may appear to be slightly more stiff on the hind end,
but overall it should not affect his performance. This is a very painful process for horses, but it is a relief that his body started to fuse them so long ago and now they are nearly complete. I feel bad though because we had no idea he was in the process of fusing. The strain on his hocks during certain movements explains his resistance to following through with repeated commands. Although irritating the joints encourages fusing, without any pain medication it is really quite an unpleasant thing to experience for a horse.
These are his four x-rays. The part outlined in red is the area where the two joints are fusing. The blue circle indicates the remaining space between the two joints that needs to finish fusing. His right joints are nearly completely fused, which is great. His left, as you can see, has a significant amount left to go. As a treatment option to encourage the joints to continuing fusing with the minimal pain possible, we injected Buck's hocks with dormosedan, polyglycan, and banamine....basically a bunch of stuff to reduce pain, help the other joints in the area, and encourage fusing. We don't know if the rotation he was having was due to the pain on his hocks or if it is his stifles. I will have to watch over the next couple weeks to see if the injections reduced the amount of rotation or not. All in all though Buck will be with me for a long time. The only thing I'll have to watch out for is making sure I am not putting him in situations where he has to have an increased amount of prolonged pressure on the joints, as the fusion can break (ouch!).
As a side note, it is very possible Buck pulls himself with his front instead of pushing himself with his hind because of the pain he has experienced in his hocks. Pulling himself relieves pressure on those joints. I'm hoping once he has finished fusing he will start pushing instead, but we will see. He has been pulling for a long, long time.
Aside from Buck, things have been "eh." My medication is still doing its jobs, but the side affects have not gone away yet, which is not a good sign. Just last night I woke up due to a night sweat. It's so annoying. No one likes waking up covered in sweat -.- The vivid dreams are still pretty common, almost nightly. So far they haven't been disturbing but I don't necessarily enjoy having them. I've never heard voices before, but man, last night was a first for that. I was woken up by some voice yelling my name. It sounded like a demon. Then for about thirty minutes after that random sounds were amplified in such a way they didn't seem real. I've been so light headed and dizzy lately too. I dunno. Ugh. I need to make another appointment with my doctor.
I am going to have a VERY busy next month a half. I didn't know it at the time I signed up for my classes, but my biopsychology course is a 7 week speed course. Four exams, at least one research based paper, plus multiple assignemnts...joy. My ENGL 3300 class is gonna be fun. My professor said that if we don't want to be overwhelmed when the semester starts that it would be a good idea to read 14 of the 35 books assigned before January 6. I need to make a trip to the library, ha. And I have three other classes, too. My PRAXIS exam is scheduled for January 13. I've already started studying for it, but it's going to take a lot of work. I have to pass the first time around or I am in major jeopardy of not being able to start my education levels until Spring 2015. That would put my degree back another year, and I would be unable to take other courses that are applicable towards my degree until then. I don't even want to think about that.
I have so many opportunities available to me right now that involve horses I feel like a fool to walk away from them or put them on hold. Teaching elementary aged children will be enjoyable, but it isn't what I want to do. I want to work with horses! I want to give lessons, be EAGALA certified (equine specialist), be instructor certified, and maybe train some horses. Sigh. But it isn't "practical."
Bucket! What an incredible horse. What an incredible journey, for both of us! I'm starting to put a new video together of our progress. It's a lot sooner than I thought it would be, which is a great thing! I didn't anticipate getting this far with Buck in such a short amount of time, but he has really surprised me (in a good way). I feel completely safe with him. He and I truly have a partnership, and I love testing it. Of course I am safe about "testing the limits", don't get me wrong. If something were to happen that resulted in mine or Buck's injury, it would be my fault. I say this with such confidence because if something were to happen, I would be the one that put us in a situation that we were not prepared for.
My neighbors really dislike watching what Buck and I do. They think I'm being reckless and irresponsible by not using a bridle or saddle. I can understand why they feel the way they do. I mean, they are the "traditional" type folks and don't know too much about horses in general, but they should be able to see the relationship Buck and I have. It is pretty obvious. When a girl can canter her horse in an open field with nothing on him but a string around his neck, bring him to a stop with ease, turn him any which way, and then have the horse fall asleep while having a conversation with strangers, that shows something pretty incredible. But hey, maybe I'm wrong ;)
I feel a lack of direction. I don't know where I am going, which is intimidating for me. I know I will be in school for the next two and half years finishing my degree, but what happens after that? I know I don't need to be that far prepared, but I've always had a plan, always. I guess I just need to start being familiar with the idea that life is, in fact, unpredictable. Crazy concept right there. I was thinking about where I would be the most comfortable, and I'm a little torn. I really enjoy living in Utah. I love the horsey people I have connections with, the land is amazing, and it has a good economy. However, the LDS population makes me pretty hesitant to raise a family there that is not LDS. I know the struggles I had growing up because I wasn't part of the Church, and my mom validates those struggles with her own experiences. I also want to be close to family. I will follow my parents, but I don't think they'd be happy living in Utah. I just don't know! I'm going to have to wait to figure this out. All I can do for right now is gather as much information as possible about areas that interest me in the states I'd consider living in.
I've had a decent Thanksgiving break so far. A lot of people that I'm not used to seeing. I met two cousin's for the first time...we didn't say a word to each other, ha. It's like, we haven't know each other for so long, why start now? It's not like we are going to see each other any more than we already have. Seeing my grandma, grandpa, aunt, and uncle has been nice though. I'll be seeing my sister and Jonathan today, which I'm super stoked about. Then heading home on Sunday!
My antidepressants are still working (YES!). A few side affects have appeared though. My blood pressure is low due to the medication, so I need to increase my sodium intake and take precautions when doing physical activity. I've also been having really vivid dreams. I looked it up because I used to never dream and now for the last week or so I've been having super intense dreams that are mostly unpleasant. Anyway, it's called REM suppression and it is pretty common with antidepressants. The dreams suck for the most part, but so far they haven't been anything too terrifying so I'm dealing. They don't cause any harm besides some emotional disturbance...and annoyance. Ha.
Well, tallyho! Time to have breakfast and then get on the road, AGAIN.
Things have been sooo much better since I went to the doctor! My anxiety has plummeted and my concentration (most days) is spot on. Although not much time has passed, I think the medication has really done a lot for me. For the first three nights when I started Lexapro (the anti depressant) I stayed up for about 72 hours straight. I felt like I was going to die. I could not sleep for the life of me. I ended up calling my doctor because I had a feeling it was due to the medication. Sure enough, it was! I was taking 10 mg of Lexapro before bed. 10 mg was way too much for my brain and as a result it completely stopped making serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for sleep, as well as depression. So my doctor told me to cut my pill in half and take 5 mg in the morning instead. I've been getting about seven hours of sleep a night, whereas before I was getting between four and five and half. I'm now waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, but I am okay with that. It is so much better than waking up several times at night and being unable to go through my sleep cycles like I should be able to. I've also not been needing to take naps anymore. I have enough energy to last the entire day and keep my focus on what it needs to be. So cool! AMAZING! I LOVE IT! My anxiety is the thing I have noticed the most. I haven't felt overwhelmed, crazy, or worry-ridden for about a week. Nothing has changed as far as what's going on in my life: school, family, financial issues, etc., so I think it is pretty awesome what it has done for me so far. I feel like I can breathe again! What a feeling! I want to get out of bed and I want to do things :) :) :) It's just awesome. I did meet with a therapist at BHI to start working through my baggage. It was just a consultation--finding out where I'm at, why I decided to get help, and what I want to work on. My next appointment is December 12, but hopefully I'll be called in sooner if someone cancels. I am looking forward to the benefits of therapy in combination with the medication. I'm going to be on top of the world!
On Sunday I hauled a bunch of hay. Like, A LOT of hay! It was really fun though and I enjoyed it immensely. The company is always something that makes it worth while. I am so very thankful to be surrounded by the supporting adults in my life. Craig and Connie, in specific, have really opened their arms in caring about my worries and are giving me the means to let go of some of them. They always tell me to bring Buck over and spend time "horsing around." I need that encouragement so I make sure I am making time for myself and the things I love doing. They've also offered some odds jobs to me to make a bit of money on the side. It will help so much. Having an income, even if it is unsteady and small, will help pay for things like like cat food and litter, gas, oil changes, shampoo, self-help books, and so on, without having to dip into my savings too much. Part of me wants to stay in Utah after I get my degree just so I can continue to be a part of this wonderful group of people I consider my family. Sometimes life gives you more than you can handle. In my case, my amygdala really wasn't okay with that! But everything works out in one way or another. In my case, getting on medication wasn't my ideal solution, but it has certainly helped. I am very thankful to have the resources I have in order to get the help I've wanted. I cannot say enough how much I am looking forward to my life in the next couple months. I'm even feeling better about being up at Weber everyday next semester. Now that is really saying something!
Warning: This is a long blog post that is filled with interesting things.
On Tuesday I had my appointment with the education adviser to discuss my program. I'll skip the details, but instead of doing the K-6 concentration I will be doing the 1-8 concentration with a minor in psychology. This will cut my degree time down by a full year. Although the psychology minor will not give me any special bonuses on my salary (unlike a mathematics minor), I will get a lot of personal growth and information out of this minor that will help me understand and teach children better. Next semester I am taking 18 credits, but I am tentatively going to drop one. It depends on the course work for each class. I have three at campus and three online. 12 of the credits are psychology course work and the other 6 are elementary education classes. Next semester will be hard, there is no doubt about that. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my time better and enjoy the classes I am taking (unlike this semester). After next semester I will be on track with my degree! YAY! So I went to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss how I've been feeling recently. I took a couple tests, talked a lot, cried...ha...I learned a lot of really interesting things pertaining to PTSD and its affects stress has on the brain. Here it is in a nutshell: So when something happens in our lives, such as something traumatic or extremely stressful, we, as humans, learn to cope. More specifically speaking, however, a human's natural way of coping is to put that event into a place hidden away. My doctor used a fantastic metaphor to describe what I am going through. The stressful event is like a dragon. What do we do with dragons? We put them in the dungeon, of course! And for a while the dungeon holds the dragon and we think we have "conquered" this terrible beast. The dragon gets stronger though as it waits. Eventually the dragon starts breaking through the dungeon, so we add more spikes, concrete, and chains. Again we think we have handled the dragon and we can move on. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. It could take years, but the dragon will once again become too strong for our dungeon and he will come out and try to take us down. Only now he is very angry for being locked away for so long and the repercussions are more severe.
With that being said and after talking to my doctor, it is safe to say that Foxy's death is the dragon in my life, as well as the trigger for my reaction to other stressers I encounter. I thought I was strong and took care of it, and I did...for the time being. But as more and more stressful things happened it became harder and harder to keep my dragon in its dungeon, and now he is almost free.
Interesting thing about the brain...when we do not handle stress effectively for a long period of time (usually due to a stressful/traumatic situation that triggered poor stress management), our brain adapts in order to function at the highest possible level. Basically what ends up happening is a neural pathway is created in our brain that handles all of the stress in our lives, no matter how big or small the stressor may be. This is when people begin having anxiety. My depression from Foxy's death had adapted into a generalized anxiety disorder. My brain is thinking that any stress is a "life threatening" situation and I need to either flight or fight in order to survive. Therefore, as this neural pathway was created, which was triggered by Foxy's death, it was being used more frequently with smaller stressors, like school, relationships, etc. It is now the major neural pathway in my brain for handling stress, which is why I am experiencing the panic, irrational thoughts, bad sleep, poor concentration, and so forth. My doctor prescribed me a mild anti-depressant, which also acts as an anti-anxiety medication. It is a selective serotonin uptake inhibitor. I should begin noticing a difference in about a week, and know if I like it within three. She also prescribed me to speak with a social worker to help understand what I am experiencing and discuss proper stress management techniques for PTSD-like symptoms. I am meeting with my doctor on November 18 as a follow-up on the medication and therapy. She said this process will take anywhere from six months to a year, depending on how well my brain is able to block off the new neural pathway and start sending neurons to the correct places in the brain instead. No matter how long it takes, I am excited to feel better. Things make sense now. I have been strong so far, but I've learned it's okay to admit that I cannot be strong all the time.
Buck's beautiful (and noisy) costume.
Halloween! I dressed Bucket up as a sleigh horse. Not very scary, I know, but some horses would beg to differ! He had a ton of bells on his hooves, a wreath with bells around his neck, bells on his halter, and a lovely blanket my mom made. The sound from the bells didn't affect Buck all too much. At first he didn't want to move at all because he knew that when he did he'd make a ton of noise. He eventually got used to it though and ended up enjoying it a lot.
Here are pictures to describe the evening. They speak better than words.
Buck Not Having Fun.
Buck Having Fun.
Happy, happy horse. My horse!
We also did a little bit of yoga! That's right--horse yoga! It was pretty cool and it loosened my muscles better than any stretching I have done before. Buck really relaxed, too. He completely let his tail go limp and allowed me to pull it straight up so it was at a 90 degree angle with his spine. Pretty cool stuff. This is something him and I are going to do more of because of the immediate benefit we both receive. Here is a series of pictures. If you're thinking about trying this with your own horse, it's important to note that the tail is brought up slowly. You'll know when the horse relaxes and gives you his tail. Don't force anything. The horse will tell you what he wants.
So a few recent events: My guppies had babies again. Last time I managed to kill all six of them, but now that I have six more, I am determined to keep them alive! Buck does not know how to gallop. What kind of horse doesn't know how to gallop? It's ridiculous! I have never seen him go faster than a canter, and when I give him the reins and tell him to book it, he just does a faster canter that nearly throws me off. Sigh. He pulls with his shoulders and doesn't push with his hips. That's the problem. I have to go to Weber State every day starting next semester until my degree is complete. That's right! Monday through Friday for the next two and a half years. Do you know how much gas that is going to be? I now understand why people live on campus or within a few blocks of campus. So.Much.Gas. I will need to get some sort of income flowing or I will be in some serious trouble. So I have come to realize I have an anxiety problem. I admit I have let it get to this level but pushing things into dark places, trying to hide them from time and my own sadness. Well, that method didn't quite work. I get extremely stressed out over things that I shouldn't. I have a very hard time concentrating on what I need to do, and my decision making skills aren't as good as they used to be. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest 24/7, unless I am with Buck. It's just not good. I'm constantly tired and I feel like I'm struggling to keep up the things I've done my whole life or for many years, like staying full time in college or keeping my room clean. I cry at night because I feel like there is so much to worry about, even though there really isn't. It's like a part of my brain is missing and I can't reason with my feelings. I've been having flashbacks about Foxy's death again and that really scares me. Why would they come back after a year and a half after the accident? It's been several months since I've had one. Everything is just overwhelming, and yes, I have decided to go to the doctor about it. When I went in the middle of June to figure out what was going on with my health, my doctor said I needed to go back if things did not change. I've stopped losing weight (I think), but everything else is the same. I need to go back, as hard as that is for me to do (pride thing. I should be able to handle this!). I don't know...I feel terrible. I don't want my family to think I am weak or complaining, especially my dad. This is just something I feel that I cannot fix on my own and I need another person's help with. I just wish I had the willpower to do it by myself, but I don't. How I feel is just going to keep getting worse and worse, and then I'm going to hit my breaking point and who knows what will happen. I want to cry. That was depressing, ha. Sometimes I hate admitting myself to the truth of things. Right now I have three A's and one A- in my classes this semester. It would be really cool if I could get a 4.0, or at least close to one. I'm looking forward to doing my best next semester, too. Since I'll be up there all day every day I should be able to focus a lot of energy into my studies. I'm planning on going to the gym at least one day a week as well. I know one day a week sounds like nothing, but for me it's pretty significant. I hate working out. I hate everything about it. Sweating, increased heart rate, repetitiveness, comparison....It just sucks. BUT! I will do it. I can manage one day a week. Who knows, I may even end up liking it for some reason next semester...
I really miss Africa. Like really, really, REALLY bad. I look at the pictures and reminisce on all the experiences I had over there. Sigh. I will be back one day, I just don't have the slightest idea as to when. I almost feel a little homesick about it. Strange, right? I wish I could go back, even just for a day or two (but the 22 hours of flying time totally wouldn't be worth it for only two days). Bleh. I love Africa more than I did before I went. I thought I accomplished my dream of going there and thought I didn't have another huge dream to look forward to, but I was wrong. My new big dream is to go to Africa...again!
I broke up with Evan last Sunday. I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to be in a committed relationship right now. I jumped into the relationship too soon and didn't process my feelings over mine and Logan's break up, either. It wasn't fair for either of us, so it is better this way. He's a super nice guy, it just wasn't working out on my end.
My hair is getting longer! Here is an updated picture. I did mention
I'm growing my hair out again, right? For real this time too!
I participated in another horse clinic with Jennie and Larry from Pie Town, NM. There was a lot of new people at this clinic, which is fantastic! Jennie decided to start with the basics because of the amount of new people and horses we had. I was a little disappointed at first, but I was excited to spend it with Buck regardless. One of the coolest things happened! Buck and I were practicing rotating on the front for a good while, then I decided to just start loving on him. I got onto the ground in front of him and brought it attention towards me. A cat came out of the nearby pasture and planted herself on my lap shortly after. I was completely engulfed in that moment. I had a beautiful relationship with my horse and now there was a cat snuggling me on my lap. Buck's head remained low, looking at me and sniffing the small feline. I stroked his jaw and smiled happily. It was a picture perfect moment. Shortly after the cat left, Buck began inching his way closer to me. It is pretty intimidating having a 1200 pound animal hovering above you, and wanting to move in closer...but I trusted him. I turned around and leaned against his front legs. Buck's neck was level with his back, putting his head in a relaxed position above me. Then, by complete surprise, Buck lifted his front right leg and put it over my shoulder. He rested it there, applying no pressure or intention. It felt like he was hugging me. He kept it there for about two minutes then pulled it back, causing my shoulder to squeeze in between his front legs (ouch!). Jennie instructed the group to begin lowering our horse's heads by applying pressure (or none at all) in between their ears. Buck and I already had a head start on this obviously, so I practiced it with a little more intent for 10 minutes, then began making him feel good. I sat back on the ground and began stretching his front legs over me. I'd pick up his hoof (which he was more than willing to give) and hold it high above my head. He relaxed completely and let the muscles loosen. I moved to his back legs (which I did standing up) and began stretching those. At first he would let me pick up whichever leg I wanted, but he eventually ended up telling me what leg he wanted me to touch. For example, I'd go to pick up his back right, and he would press it hard against the ground, only to pick up his back left. So I would go to his back left and he would help me stretch it, then put it down gently.
During the next clinic day we practiced the circle game and getting our horses to focus on one object. I got Buck to touch his nose to a paper plate 22 feet away. I thought that was pretty neat! While playing the circle game, we asked our horses to jump over some barrels. Buck was a wrecking ball. He would quite literally just plow through them without picking up any of his hooves at an attempt to jump. We eventually did it with some extra energy and practice, but it's something him and I will need to work on. I shared the video I made of Buck and I to the group that was with us on Sunday. I didn't mean to make people cry, but I think about five or so people did. It made me feel so good, and proud of Buck. The video was about how far he has came and it was so nice to see people responding to that. I hope it gives the people who are new to natural horsemanship the motivation, courage, and dedication to do everything they can with their own horse.
The amazing Tomas Teskey came back for a few days and did another hoof dissection. It was awesome, as always. I learned a lot of cool things, some of which are:
Steal horse shoes wear faster than a hoof because it is abrasive. A horse hoof yields and conforms to the ground. Some claim that they ride their horse so much that they have to use shoes or the horse's hoof would disappear...wrong. A horse hoof regenerates fairly quickly and builds up natural callus to prevent injury.
Horses don't feel their sole when they have shoes on either because sensation
is reduced. That is why a horse can be lame, have shoes put on, and then trot off perfectly "fine." There is a 30% reduction of blood flow to a hoof that has
steal placed on it. If the frog cannot perform how it is supposed to
and aid in the flow of blood to the heart, there is a serious problem. If humans had
that much blood flow reduction to the heart, we'd have to have a stint put in! A good pair of boots are a great replacement to steal shoes. Steal does not allow the frog stay to flex and move how it should, boots, however, allow the frog stay to move how it was meant to--freely.
Boots may not be easier, but they will be healthier for your horse.
Perfectly relaxed!
We went on two trail rides these last few days to Antelope Island. They were the second and third trail rides of the year x.x The first one was in Pie Town last June, and man, that was exhausting. Buck was very not okay with it and he let me know. He whinnied constantly, was hard to calm down, and was just being an idiot, particularly when he couldn't be by his pasture pals. He was an insecure, untrusting horse. These last trail rides were completely different though. He was calm and relaxed! He was even choosing to walk 40 or so feet behind the other horses at times. He has learned to trust me and I am so thankful he has been able to see why. I think Buck takes care of me on the trail and I take care of him.
The relationship Buck and I have has proved to be extraordinary. He has challenged me, and I have challenged him. Our relationship is equal. I consider his feelings, wants and needs, and he takes care of me physically and emotionally (as I to him).
PS) I totally got Buck to balance and then fall asleep on a railroad tie with all four of his hooves. Awesome!
Holy crap, I've been negative recently, ha. It's been painful to read my blogs, I know. I do admit I even thought, "What the hell is my issue?!" Truth is, a lot has been going on. And a lot of it has in fact been pretty shitty. I guess I'm used to most of it now, but some things have improved. I think my dad read my blog about me saying I don't really know him and he doesn't show interest in what I do. The night after I wrote that blog he actually came up to my bedroom as soon as he got off work and started talking to me. It was...strange. Haha. Then the days following were even stranger! He has been asking every day how Buck and I are, and if I'm having a good time at the horse clinics, etc. He is showing a lot of support! I love it! It makes me so happy I can finally share what I'm doing openly with him. :) I hope it keeps up. This was never a problem, but I freaking love the people I do horse clinics with. All of them are so supportive! They all think so highly of Buck and I. I feel so blessed to have these people in my life and encourage me to keep going. When the time in my life comes when I have to move out of Utah, I hope I can find people to surround myself with that are at least half as great as these people (that's going to be really hard). Seeing them and the progress they have made with their horses is phenomenal too. They are just amazing influences.
School sucks...but only eight more weeks! YAY! I will be staying at Weber State I've decided and I'm going to load up on credits. When the schedule opens up to view I'll see if I want to take 18 or 21 credits. Either way, since I'm not going to be working, I'm gonna work my butt off in school so I can hopefully graduate when I am supposed to....hopefully. I currently have all A's (one A-), but I feel them slowly slipping. The second round of exams are coming up and I'm a little nervous. I didn't do so great on my geography (89%) and human development exams (80%). The geography one is doable, but I expected to get more like a 93%. I really gotta try harder on my human development one. I have to retake the class if I don't at least get a B-. Yayyy pressure ;) I'm really on top of my school work. For a while there I was a couple weeks ahead in all my classes...then I didn't do anything for a while, ha. Now I have two papers, two exams I need to study for, plus some other miscellaneous homework to do before the 17th. It's awesome And, to add something to all that, my grandma Betty is in town (she's been here since the end of October, but will be leaving on the 17th as well), and I've been doing horse clinics pretty often...plus I do have a boyfriend that requires some attention as well. I think it's safe to say I am keeping myself very busy (almost too busy actually), but it's a good kind of busy. It's keeping me out of trouble! My next blog will probably be about the last couple horse clinics. Tonight I'm going to another hoof and leg dissection performed by my wonderful friend Tomas Teskey. I'm pretty stoked to learn more about those parts of the horse and maybe pick up on some things I missed in New Mexico. Anyhoo, time to finish a paper and begin studying so I can be done by 5:00. Ready.Set.GO!
"You need to have contact with the horse's mouth."
As I was giving my riding lesson this morning I was watching videos of horses going through their gaits. It was an English rider instructing on how a horse's gaits work, and how to ride them in the "proper position". "Maintain contact with the bit," was something that came out of the girl's mouth several times in all of her videos. She also mentioned how her horse was foaming at the bit because he enjoyed it so much. What about the rest of the body? What about your leg contact? Back position? Shoulders? Her horse was very stiff moving and I saw no fluidity in its movements (at any gait). Unfortunately, this girl isn't the only person I have seen talking and riding like this. Although I feel bits are completely unnecessary, and actually a great tool to interfere with a horse, I am not against people using them...as long as they use them properly (and if they use them properly they probably don't even need one!).
"It is important to remember that the bit is only a tool. A bit will not train your horse. Proper training takes time, patience, and repetition. And you need to have the correct tools to communicate what you are asking the horse to do – hands, legs, seat, voice and proper equipment.”
Too many people are stuck in the mind set that a bit will control a horse. A bit will stop a horse from taking off. A bit will keep the proper head position. A bit will keep the horse from bucking. None of that is true. If a horse does not want to stop, he won't stop. If a horse needs to keep his head in a certain position, it's probably not natural for the horse and will cause discomfort. If a horse wants to buck with you on him, you probably shouldn't be riding him in the first place. Bit or no bit, a horse that's typically 800 to 1300 pounds could put us in our grave at any minute if he so desired.
Bit or no bit.
Here is a quote from Pat Parelli (back before he was a sell-out). He says it perfectly.
“Bits are a mystery to most people. The most common misconception seems to be; the bigger the misbehavior, the bigger the bit you need to correct it. I, on the other hand, teach people why they really don’t even need a bit to control their horses. In most cases it’s a revelation for the person and a relief for the horse. Horses run off or bolt out of fear. Its starts in the mind, goes through the body and down the legs to the feet. Once the horse is this frightened the rider is essentially riding scared feet. Most of the time it doesn’t matter what bit is being used in the horse’s mouth he can’t be stopped. I’ve seen horses with huge shank bits, martingales and nosebands stick their chins on their chests and go! When prey animals get that emotional, and they need to save their lives, they will run through anything, painful or not.”
I think that says enough... As a side note, a horse does not salivate when a bit is in its mouth because they like it. They salivate and foam because it is a natural digestive response! The horse is trying to digest the bit!
"Riding bareback ruins a horse's spine!"
Does it now? I can understand a rider who is unbalanced and flopping all over the horse's back on a consistent basis, but in general, is bareback riding really that bad for a horse? I think it's safe to say saddles that don't fit the horse right cause more problems than someone riding bareback. One would think that a horse would be able to move more freely and be able to communicate better with the rider bareback (because you can feel back, rump, and shoulder muscles relax and become tense). It seems like common sense to me. I won't go into detail about this, but it's interesting the things people come up with even though it's against common sense and basic horse knowledge.
I wish more people would experience what a horse is like naturally. I think many people would be surprised how the body flexes, stretches, and syncs with the horse's rhythms all on its own, and how the horse responds positively to it. The relationship that forms between horse and rider when the horse is able to be a horse is something you cannot create through artificial methods, bits and spurs, and unreasonable minds.
I've been wanting to write another blog since my last post. I felt like I ended it on a rather negative note...but this post probably won't be must better.
Life is stressful. Simple enough.
I found out that my four year degree is actually going to be more like a five and half year degree. The education program is stupid. I have to take three prerequisite courses before I can even begin taking the block classes (There are four block classes. It takes two years to complete those). If I would have known I wanted to be an elementary teacher from my first semester in college I would have been on track, but now I have to spend year and a half just waiting to even be admitted into the program because of three courses. I'm kind of frustrated. I am currently looking at doing my education degree through Western Governor's University. It's an all online school, which would be amazing. No traveling, I could move wherever I wanted, and it's self paced. After looking at what credits would transfer, however, only about 30 of my 96 credits would mean anything (and that's being optimistic). It would probably end up taking just as long as if I went to Weber State. The cost would be about the same, too. So I'm not sure. I think staying at Weber would be a bigger inconvenience, but it would be easier.
Decisions to be made!
My dad makes me sad. I really want to be closer to him and get to know him more, but it's really difficult. He seems to completely ignore my mom and I, while a lot of his attention is on Alice (the Chinese girl who lived with us over the summer). For the first time since May he asked about what Buck and I have been doing. I thought it was crazy and weird he was interested in it, but it was really nice. He hasn't even wanted to watch the video I made or see us ride when I ask. I feel bad for my mom, too. He seems really distant and resistant to her. He is just so caught up in himself it's like he's forgotten about his family. I don't know what to do. I kind of started not caring as much in March when he very deliberately took down the fence I put around Foxy's grave because, "I need to get over it and it looks bad." Talk about heartless. But now his attitude is affecting my mom more visibly and I hate it. I know that if I tried bringing how I feel up it would only cause stress and probably more issues. I'm hoping it's just going to work itself out in the best way possible, but it's up to my dad.
I've decided to stop taking my melatonin supplement. I started it about two weeks ago, and for the first three nights it really helped, but now it does nothing (again). The last two nights I upped the dosage to 10 mg. The first night was so good, but last night wasn't much better than when I was on 5 mg. I think it's wrong though to have to take that much. If I have to continually up my dosage, it isn't fixing the problem, it's just masking it. I want to fix my sleeping issues, not just cover them up. I'm going to try a natural herd supplement called valerian. Valerian comes from a flower and it is supposed to aid in getting a restful night's sleep, reducing anxiety, and reducing headaches. Sound perfect, right?! Unfortunately there haven't been any significant studies done on Valerian. Some evidence suggests it does help, while other evidence says it doesn't do anything. It is supposed to take 6-8 weeks to begin working, too. I might as well give it a shot. If I don't try it and this thing is what works for me, I'd be missing out on some wonderful z's. I'm also going to start taking baths before bed. I used to do it in Cedar City and I think it helped. I might as well try to do everything I can before I go to the doctor about it.
It's interesting to reflect back on these recent days. I've been on edge with a lot of people because they choose to be lazy and unproductive when there are obviously things they should be doing instead. Or people who choose to be in a situation that causes them to feel terrible or something. Truth of the matter is though, no matter how much what I say makes sense and they agree with me, no one will change their behavior and situation unless they want to. I just hate seeing people put themselves through bad situations, when they could be so much happier if they just said, "Hey, I don't think this is working out." or, "I think I'll find a different job, and go to college like I've been wanting to." It made me realize I need to do everything I can for myself to get through the emotions I am feeling. I try to only complain on my blog, and never to my friends over text or in person. I know it will pass, but on the other hand I think other people need to know that I'm not necessarily mad at them, I'm just upset about what I'm dealing with right now and I wish they would do something better for themselves. I don't know if that's wishful thinking, but I need to let people make their own mistakes...even if I've seen it happen time and time again.
On a positive note, Buck and I continue to make a lot of progress. I've now taught him to rotate on the front while I'm on him. Rotating the back while I'm on him is pretty difficult though, so I think him and I are going to need to take a step back and work on it from the ground again. I've been fortunate enough to have quite a bit of one-on-one with with Jennie. It has helped a lot! We will be participating in this weekend's and next weekend's group clinics over at Craig's with Jennie and Larry. I'm excited to see everyone and see the progress they have made with their horses.
Here is the video I made from our progress starting in June till now.
Evan and I are doing well! On Saturday we went to IKEA and bought him a bunch of new stuff for his room, and on Sunday we put it together. It looks great, and it was fun to do together. He is a really good guy. I've wanted to get into wood whittling (old and nerdy, I know, but it's relaxing), so he actually bought me some knives to do it with. I'm gonna get started on a piece today :)
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